Pardon Me, I Need to Rant

Alas, the time has come yet again for me to decry the ravings of fools.

And, truly, I don't mean to start off with an abusive or attacking tone, but those screaming sheer preposterousness for any and all to hear about people like myself... about trans people... well, it's difficult for me to see this in any serious light.

Firstly, to these people... not that you would probably ever really read this blog, but I speak to you anyway... You say trans people are mentally ill. You say trans people are simply confused. You compare saying that you're an animal... like a panda or a rhino... to being a human gender other than the one your appearance leads people to think you are...

...okay, see... that last thing you say... this is why I used the word "fools" to start the post. Because really, if you can't see the difference between someone saying their gender is more nuanced and different from most people's and SAYING YOU'RE A DIFFERENT FUCKING SPECIES... well, you a fool.

As far as the other nonsense above, this is actually REALLY simple.

Ready, here it is:

1. Who made you a doctor, such that you would know these things and can diagnose ill people? Do your numerous degrees in Psychology give you a deeper insight of the inner workings of the human psyche?
2. Are you aware that most mental health professionals recognize that trans people are not insane, and that a large portion of mental issues they may have are caused by society's attitude towards them? Do you realize that attitudes like yours make us crazy? Do you realize that your attitude, when tossed into the caustic din of attitudes like yours, costs us lives? Do you realize that when people constantly berate you and degrade you just for being who you are, that we're only human and, as steely as us transfolks can be, it eventually starts to hurt? Are you comfortable with inflicting pain on people for no good reason? And if you do think we indeed have mental issues, do you enjoy inflicting pain on those who have such issues?
3. Who knows more about a subject, someone who lives and deals with it every day, or someone who gets cursory glances into it through media blurbs that are quite often sensationalistic? Chances are that I don't share your job. Do you think after hearing 30 minutes of scattered news stories about your job that I could possibly know more than you about it? Do you think I would know anything at all about it other than what the name of your job is and maybe a really high-level understanding of what it is that you do? Do you think I could have many erroneous assumptions about your job? Can you now see that when you say the things you do about something you barely understand that you could be very, very wrong? Do you think you could possibly know more about gender and the conflict that it can cause than someone who lives with it, literally, every second of every day? Do you realize that trans people are supremely aware of gender and think about it all. the. time., and this includes researching and reading many things about it from a wide variety of sources? Do I need to go on?

Look, this is probably the most abrasive blog post I've ever written, but when you ask and ask for understanding and you get more and louder voices screaming back to you about how you're twisted and inferior, it tends to grate. All we're looking for is understanding. An open mind and/or an open heart. That's it. Can you strive for that, or would you rather stay mired in hatred?

Either way, I'm a fucking hippie at heart, so I'll send you love back, and hope, at the very least, that maybe you'll think twice before plastering hurtful words for your own misguided shits and giggles or to scratch at whatever itch you may have.

And for those of you who are awesome and supportive, I'm sorry you had to read through that, but feel free to send anyone who doesn't get it here if you ever get stumped in trying to get through to them.

I can't thank those in my life and other trans people's lives enough for the good that you do whenever and however you do it. You honestly don't know how much you help, especially when there are people saying the utter shit that this post addresses.

All the best to you all, always.

A Big Day for Big Things

For those of you who may not know, today is National Coming Out Day. And in knowing this some people may ask, "Why is this important? Do we really need a day for this? I don't have a problem with LGBT people, but why can't they just be themselves and not make everything about telling us who they love and that their gender is this one or that one?"

First off, if you have said the last comment, make no mistake, you DO have a problem with LGBT people.

But to address the first two questions that I've seen and heard people ask... well, I can only speak for myself here...

Being trans IS who I am to a large extent. It makes up a MASSIVE portion of what my life is, what I have learned in this existence, and the lens that I have witnessed the world through. The feelings and pain that this has laden upon me has shaped and eroded all things around me... family, friends, money, serenity, comfort, time, and the list goes on.

To not know that I'm trans is to not understand me as a person on any level. If you don't see this and don't understand that what I feel is true, you don't know me at all. And if that is the case, how can you even be important to me? How can you call me a friend or say you care about me if one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, aspect of my life is ignored by you?

Though this is not to say that this has to constantly be kept in mind by people interacting with me. It should just be something known, something recognized, something validated, and then you have a better idea of where I'm coming from with everything. It's a latent understanding that this is my identity and this is my struggle. If someone you know is going through an enormous amount of pain and conflict, it's not that you need to talk about it, but you should understand that it exists... well, if you want to know the person or you care about them at all.

So seven years ago today... on National Coming Out Day... I posted the following message on Facebook along with a link to this blog:

In honor of National Coming Out Day: Today, in 2010, 29 states still allow someone to be fired with NO legal recourse simply for being lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and there are 38 states where someone can be fired purely for being transgender. This means that in 38 states (including the one where I currently work), I can be fired solely for who I happen to be... you know, if I choose to make that known in the workplace. So, for those of you who don't yet know: Yes, that means that I am indeed trans.

It was a move that I would sometimes describe as nouveau-trite (you know, coming out to everyone... on Facebook... on National Coming Out Day), but there has not been a day or a moment where I have regretted any of it.

This is because I received a mountain of support and love that day, and that's something that I desperately needed at the time... and still do actually... much like many LGBT people.

This is because it makes me supremely thankful that I had a small group of close people in my life at the time who knew me for me and who were in my corner cheering for me and giving me the guts, nerve, and resolve to tell all who know me socially one of the biggest things about me and to not hide my shit in the shadows from those I care about.

This is because for the first time and on a large scale I was acknowledging THIS is who I am. THIS is me. Take me or leave me as you will, but do so for who I AM and not for who your half-shrouded notions define me as.

And let me say this, if it isn't already apparent... this was scary as fuck to do. It's scary to share that much of yourself all at once. It's scary to let ALL these people into your world and expose the rawness of all the pain that you feel to them. It's scary to anticipate reactions and know that just by saying this, just by stating who I am, people will leave me. People will say hurtful things to me and abandon me. People I care about will laugh at my pain and do so without remorse.

I have certainly been on the receiving end of bad and terrible reactions to this news... and much of it you can shake off. Then someone you truly love comes at you with all guns a' blazin' while you are completely vulnerable, and the anger and disgust they assail you with just shatters your soul. It's more profoundly devastating than I'd like to admit or acknowledge.

BUT... through all of that, coming out has brought me much closer to some people. I see this moment that happened seven years ago today as the turning point of my relationship with my mother, which has only healed and blossomed since that day. That Facebook post (and this blog, actually) opened up gates of support that didn't previously exist, and it gave all who read at least some understanding of what trans people deal with... and believe me, I have it better than most.

Coming out provides exposure: If you don't think you know someone like me... well, you do. You can then see that I'm a human being with my own set of imperfections, foibles, and struggles who is just trying to get through life... just like everybody else. And through this exposure comes empathy and understanding. And through that becomes the lessening of fear and hate.

ALL of this... and for so many more reasons that I don't have the time, capacity, or talent to state... is why Coming Out Day is so important. It gave me the strength to be more myself and take a flying leap toward happiness, and I know it does the same for countless others as well... and many of those who need an abundance of empathy and understanding far more than I.

To end this, I'll refer back to my Facebook post. Here we are, seven years later, and in 28 states you can STILL be fired for being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, which has dropped by only one. In 30 states, including the one where I live and work, you can STILL be fired for being trans (down by eight, but not enough). On top of this, a few states now have laws in place that don't even allow for local protections to be enforced for cities or municipalities that wish to protect LGBT rights. Then we have the incredibly fucking stupid "bathroom bills".... then of course there's the people running this country at the moment who are essentially waging a war on people like me, and I've already seen people suffer for it. I've seen people who enlisted to serve in the army to protect the country hurt by this... but all of this is a topic for another post and another day.

I want to leave this post on a positive note, so here's a quote from Frank Ocean about coming out....

I hadn’t been happy in so long. I’ve been sad again since, but it’s a totally different take on sad. There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.

Be well, and all the best to you.

Back in the (Horrifying) Saddle Again

Over the past 15 years or so I've been a participant in a good handful of trans support groups. My time with these groups varied, and there are different reasons why I stopped attending each. I stopped going to the most recent one I went to, which was probably about five or six years ago, because seemingly any time someone had something to say about their lives, it was essentially, "I really wanted to kill myself this week," and this was said with all the tragic earnestness in the world. We would then discuss it until it was time to move on to the next person, who then would echo these same engulfing feelings of mounting despair and hopelessness… "I really wanted to kill myself this week." And so it went for the full hour.

The sentiment was as ubiquitous as it was affecting. These dreadful feelings cast a palpable pall over the meeting room every time I attended. 

Still, I was at a point where I was trying to connect with and help others, so I went to this group every week for a few months and tried to offer input and advice whenever I felt like I had something supportive to say. Eventually, though, it just got too grueling and depressing, and going to this particular group really started to bring me down more than not going. This is especially so because I had dealt with the whole wanting-to-kill-yourself-on-the-reg kind of feelings for years. I fought my way through them, and hadn't been truly suicidal in quite some time. Hearing the despair in the room was starting to wake these dormant feelings from slumbering deep inside me, and I knew it was time to get out.

And I don't mean to sound glib or cavalier about this, but in dealing with being trans, and reading about it, and hearing people's stories about their own journey with it over the course of a decade or so, you realize that the statistic saying that 40% of trans people attempt suicide is not only accurate, but may very well be a conservative estimate.

Being as stalled as I am with this process, lately I’ve been trying to make a firm effort to finally get past this stage of transitioning and on with my life. In doing so, I have started therapy again (which has been a GOD. SEND.), and I am fairly certain that I need to be around some people sharing this experience and to try to at least be some part of this community. I don’t have any trans friends, and while I have a ton of support from some awesome and amazing people in my life (MANY thanks!), there is a different kind of connection that you can forge with people that truly understand on a deep, innate level what you’re going through and what you’re feeling… because they’re going through it and feeling it as well. I need this in my life right now.

So, even though I was filled with the trepidation that my past forays into trans support groups instilled in me, I went back to one tonight. It was an interesting experience that I haven’t fully processed yet, but there were some first impressions that I’d like to share. 

There was a degree of familiarity to the proceedings, even though I knew no other people in the room. And while there was only one mention of a suicide attempt (in the past tense, thankfully), the stories that these people told were still tear-inducing, infuriating, and, in some cases, utterly horrifying. To hear these people… these strangers… bear their souls, to hear about their heart-wrenching struggles with their families and the people closest to them was all too similar to stories I’ve heard through the years from trans people who I’ve sat in groups with, and brought back to my mind in crystalline fashion the heartache, fear, anger, hurt, and raw vulnerability that I have experienced in similar situations and that still wells up in me during bad times.

Weirdly, this almost took me aback. In contrast to how much visibility, acknowledgement, and public support trans people have begun to experience over the past few years, the reality of the experiences I heard this evening was a clear display of just how much further we need to go as a society so that trans people aren’t suffering the way these people are… and the way I do as well.

In addition to this, I have felt that with as much acceptance as trans people have been getting lately (compared to even just five years ago), there is now a backlash. There is now a staunch, focused outrage about us, and with the most recent election, and the reaction elicited from this election… be it hate crimes, hate speak, or just amplified hatred in general… things with transpeeps have taken a step back. And it’s scary for us, even more so than the usual day to day is.

And so I’m writing today to implore everyone to seek a deeper understanding, to strive for an abundance of love, and to truly embrace those good people who happen to be different from you. Help acceptance grow. Help alleviate suffering. Help heal. Help in any way you can. There are people who truly need it, and help can only be achieved through a unified, concerted groundswell of effort, because there is seriously a mountain of work that still remains undone. Tonight proved this fact to me.

The good news here is that one mere minor step anyone takes in this direction can go hundreds of miles in helping someone out. If we all take that one minor step, think of how much bad can be eradicated.

Sincerest thanks to those of you who have already taken a step in this direction, be it large or small or many. You know not how much good you do. 

As always, much love to you all.

The Decision Rests in Your Hands

As I have stated many times before—and in what has probably become the underlying theme of this blog—being trans is rough. You're tortured constantly, and getting the help you need is often a herculean task because a large portion of society thinks that you're more or less some perverted sociopath.

Trans people are born with this condition, and it's something we deal with and struggle with every day. We're good people who, just like everyone else, are simply trying to make our way through life and carve out our own piece of happiness; we just happen to be dealing with an excruciating set of circumstances in the process.

Now why I'm writing today is to say that things don't have to be so bleak for people like myself. There IS a way for things to get better for trans people.

The first thing that could make it better is eliminating the fear of the disproportionate amount of physical violence that is needlessly levied against us. 61% of trans people were the victims of physical assault and 64% were the victims of sexual assault—all simply for choosing to accept, deal with, and express publicly a condition that we were born with and attempt to cope with every day.

There's also the matter of employment. 97% of trans people have experienced some form of workplace discrimination, and the trans unemployment rate is TWICE what the national average is, with this number being even higher for trans people of color. In 34 states it is completely and totally legal to fire someone because they are trans and that person would have absolutely no legal recourse.

Could you imagine what it would be like to live in one of the states (as I do) where you can be fired simply for having this condition... simply for being who you are? Additionally, this monumental searing thing that is literally ripping your life apart is something you have to hide, and is something you can't express in any way in the workplace unless you want to live in fear of either being harassed on the job or fired.

Now some may say here, "What's the big deal? It's not that serious, because it's not like it's a life-threatening condition or anything." Well, these people would be wrong.

Being trans doesn't kill in the way that something as insidious and awful as cancer and a myriad of other diseases do, but 41% of trans people attempt suicide. 41%! (Compare that to 1.6% for all Americans.) And this 41% only takes into account the cases that are actually reported. Additionally, this doesn't address the more quiet ways to commit suicide. Over a quarter of trans people have misused drugs or alcohol (national averages are 7.3% for alcohol and 1.7% for prescription drugs), while over 30% smoke cigarettes (almost 10% higher than the national average). These numbers are so high for a reason. They are so high because trans people are dealing with something that causes severe and relentless mental anguish. So being trans doesn't kill by attacking and destroying someone's body; it kills by ravaging a person’s thoughts, emotions, and psyche.

And while people with other life-threatening conditions most often get care and compassion, trans people get treated with misunderstanding and sometimes revulsion. 19% of trans people were refused healthcare, 28% were harassed in medical settings, and 2% were the victims of violence in doctor's offices.

So, to put it lightly, people are SUFFERING because of this situation. BUT some of this suffering COULD be alleviated by making the road for trans people easier—by NOT treating us as pariahs, by fighting the violence perpetrated against us, by allowing us to go to work safely without fear of discrimination or the threat of losing our jobs, and by giving us access to healthcare and include in that healthcare the coverage for procedures and processes that will help us to safely deal with our congenital condition.

I'm very happy to say that there has been SOME progress. The Matthew Shepard Act expanded the 1969 United States federal hate-crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim's actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability. Now some may question the effectiveness of this and other hate-crime legislation, but hey, it's a start. If it gets even one person to not attack another due to the fear of the severity of the penalty, then the law is working.

Legislation like the Student Non-Discrimination Act and the Safe Schools Improvement Act have been introduced in Congress, and the website stopbullying.gov has been founded—all of these are designed to help provide an environment where ALL students can feel safe to learn without fear of harassment. This is pertinent to what I'm saying here because, according to a 2009 GLSEN survey, nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT students experienced harassment at school in the past year and nearly two-thirds felt unsafe.

There is also a proposed bill in Congress called the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (or ENDA) that would protect LGBT people from discrimination in the workplace. This essentially extends to LGBT people across the country the employment protections already in place to cover discrimination on the basis of sex, race, religion, national origin, age, and other classes.

Personally I have been watching the progression of the ENDA through the years because this obviously concerns me a great deal. As someone who is "out" to almost everyone in my life, I still had to be ultra-careful about letting anyone in my workplace know anything about a situation that I have been contending with for decades. This was to the point of basically having to hide who I am to almost everyone I worked with, to the degree of taking up a very vague Facebook moniker so that acquaintances in work couldn't find me online. This is because something as innocuous as my Facebook profile could possibly have been the source of me getting fired or discriminated against in work, and if that did happen, there really wouldn't have been a blessed thing that I could have done about it, because trans people have ZERO protection where I worked.

But then there's this bill, and it would cover the WHOLE COUNTRY. No LGBT person would ever have to live with these kinds of fears, or, at the very least, they would be greatly lessened.

The kicker here, and the greater point of this post, is that most Democrats in Congress support the ENDA, and President Obama has also ardently backed it. Most (if not all) Congressional Republicans, on the other hand, would not vote for it, which is why this bill hasn't even gotten to the floor since the mid-term elections of 2010 when the GOP gained control of the House of Representatives.

SO... how could I ever possibly be expected to vote for people who would rather me and others like me live in fear? How could I ever vote for people who would never give me a second thought? How could I vote for people who think me sick and perverted? How could I vote for people who say that I shouldn't be allowed to have a job like a teacher because children should never be exposed to people like me? (Some—possibly a great many—also say and think these things about the gay population in case you were wondering.)

I will tell you FLAT OUT, if you vote for pretty much any Republican at the national level, you are voting for the continuance of these attitudes. You are voting for me and for the entire LGBT population to continue to suffer. If the Republicans have control over Congress, and especially the presidency, there is NO. WAY. that life will get better for me, people like me, or anyone else in the LGBT spectrum until they no longer have that control or there's a massive sea change in their entire party's platform.

Now everyone should vote with their hearts and vote for what they personally believe is right, BUT if you are voting Republican in this election, are the reasons why you're doing it strong enough and valid enough to counter the fact that me and people like me will continue to suffer?

This really says it all.

In contrast to the Republican viewpoint, Vice President Biden called transgender discrimination the "civil rights issue of our time" at a recent campaign event in Florida. Both he and President Obama have embraced forward thinking ideas about LGBT people such as endorsing gay marriage—the first time in history that this has ever happened from either a sitting president or vice president. So, there are people like this who are open-minded and concerned about the welfare of millions of Americans, and there are those on the other side of the aisle who are so adamantly against this idea that they want to pass a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT to BAN gay marriage, which, by the by, would also effectively negate the marriages that have already been performed in an ever-growing number of states. Many, including Governor Romney, even balk at the idea of full civil unions for gay couples.

Additionally, there are many Republicans who don't want gay and lesbian couples to be able to adopt children, thereby depriving children in need a loving set of parents just because it offends them in some way. I honestly don't know how ANYONE could be in favor of that. It boggles my mind to a ridiculous degree.

And if you say that politicians are all talk, don't get anything done, and no matter what party gets power things will stay the same for LGBT people, I will say that during President Obama's first term: the Matthew Shepard Act got passed, Don't Ask Don't Tell got repealed granting LGB members of the armed forces the ability to proudly serve their country without fear of dismissal, benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees were extended... twice, federal employees could no longer be discriminated against on the basis of gender identity (protecting trans people for the first time), the passport process was made much easier for trans people helping to ensure that those like myself can do something as mundane as travel safely, and the list goes on and on.

With this established record on making the lives of LGBT people easier, if President Obama was given four more years and the Congress tilted in the Democrats' favor, I can only see this kind of progress growing exponentially in the future. ENDA will get passed, acceptance of LGBT people will continue to grow, and people like myself who are struggling like hell with this tormenting condition may even one day get coverage for the health care we desperately need. Things will get easier for millions of people, maybe even enough to stop over 40% of trans people from trying to end their very lives because the pain and the suffering is that great.

Though if this new extremist Republican party gains control of the government and they continue to be fueled by ignorance and hatred, it seems for certain that not only will there be NO progress for LGBT people, but things may indeed go backwards and millions of people who are already marginalized, like myself and many, many others like me, will continue to hurt.

So... what will you do now? The decision rests in your hands. Please vote and vote with where your heart leads you, no matter where that happens to be.

All the best to you all... always.

Sources

- 2009 National Transgender Discrimination Survey
- Center for American Progress
- National Transgender Discrimination Survey Report on Health and Health Care

- National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
- Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network