Pardon Me, I Need to Rant

Alas, the time has come yet again for me to decry the ravings of fools.

And, truly, I don't mean to start off with an abusive or attacking tone, but those screaming sheer preposterousness for any and all to hear about people like myself... about trans people... well, it's difficult for me to see this in any serious light.

Firstly, to these people... not that you would probably ever really read this blog, but I speak to you anyway... You say trans people are mentally ill. You say trans people are simply confused. You compare saying that you're an animal... like a panda or a rhino... to being a human gender other than the one your appearance leads people to think you are...

...okay, see... that last thing you say... this is why I used the word "fools" to start the post. Because really, if you can't see the difference between someone saying their gender is more nuanced and different from most people's and SAYING YOU'RE A DIFFERENT FUCKING SPECIES... well, you a fool.

As far as the other nonsense above, this is actually REALLY simple.

Ready, here it is:

1. Who made you a doctor, such that you would know these things and can diagnose ill people? Do your numerous degrees in Psychology give you a deeper insight of the inner workings of the human psyche?
2. Are you aware that most mental health professionals recognize that trans people are not insane, and that a large portion of mental issues they may have are caused by society's attitude towards them? Do you realize that attitudes like yours make us crazy? Do you realize that your attitude, when tossed into the caustic din of attitudes like yours, costs us lives? Do you realize that when people constantly berate you and degrade you just for being who you are, that we're only human and, as steely as us transfolks can be, it eventually starts to hurt? Are you comfortable with inflicting pain on people for no good reason? And if you do think we indeed have mental issues, do you enjoy inflicting pain on those who have such issues?
3. Who knows more about a subject, someone who lives and deals with it every day, or someone who gets cursory glances into it through media blurbs that are quite often sensationalistic? Chances are that I don't share your job. Do you think after hearing 30 minutes of scattered news stories about your job that I could possibly know more than you about it? Do you think I would know anything at all about it other than what the name of your job is and maybe a really high-level understanding of what it is that you do? Do you think I could have many erroneous assumptions about your job? Can you now see that when you say the things you do about something you barely understand that you could be very, very wrong? Do you think you could possibly know more about gender and the conflict that it can cause than someone who lives with it, literally, every second of every day? Do you realize that trans people are supremely aware of gender and think about it all. the. time., and this includes researching and reading many things about it from a wide variety of sources? Do I need to go on?

Look, this is probably the most abrasive blog post I've ever written, but when you ask and ask for understanding and you get more and louder voices screaming back to you about how you're twisted and inferior, it tends to grate. All we're looking for is understanding. An open mind and/or an open heart. That's it. Can you strive for that, or would you rather stay mired in hatred?

Either way, I'm a fucking hippie at heart, so I'll send you love back, and hope, at the very least, that maybe you'll think twice before plastering hurtful words for your own misguided shits and giggles or to scratch at whatever itch you may have.

And for those of you who are awesome and supportive, I'm sorry you had to read through that, but feel free to send anyone who doesn't get it here if you ever get stumped in trying to get through to them.

I can't thank those in my life and other trans people's lives enough for the good that you do whenever and however you do it. You honestly don't know how much you help, especially when there are people saying the utter shit that this post addresses.

All the best to you all, always.

The Bounce

A few months ago I was enjoying a night of dining and drinking with a bunch of people I work with. One of these people, who is in the process of learning about me, though who knows I’m trans, was chatting with me. During the course of the conversation, I said something that I can’t even remember now, but whatever I said sort of took him aback. His response to my comment was a sentiment that I’ve heard thrown at me quite often, especially over the past few years. Basically what he said was…

“You’re one of those people aren’t you? You’re just….special. You’re an extremely good person who goes out of their way to be nice and respectful to everyone. I know so few people like you, that when I meet someone like you, I’m always amazed.”

And despite the fact that this is a wonderful thing to hear, I essentially shrugged it off.

This is because I knew what he said was true (well, with the exception that I always thought there were more people like this in the world than he made it out to be… though perhaps that’s just his experience). I also knew that people saw this kind of “specialness” (for lack of a better term) in me, because people have a tendency to tell me about it. I’ve been told something similar to this dozens of times, because apparently I have a “really good energy” about me or something.

Anyway, after he said this, he essentially continued with, “I especially don’t know how you do it, because if I was in your situation (read: trans), I would be mad at the entire world and wouldn’t know how to hold it back. So the fact that you’re exceedingly nice astounds me.”

Again, I shrugged this off, because, at the time, I thought to myself, What does being mean, angry, and mad do? It’s not going to change the situation, and it would really only make things worse. And while what this person said has stuck me with (obviously, since I’m writing about it), it’s not something I thought much about since then. Well, not until recently anyway.

The first time I admitted to having any trans-fueled feelings to someone was in 1998. I started hormones in 2005. And through all that time, while I have made great strides in the process of accepting myself and moving forward with this snail’s-pace crusade, the way I live now is STILL a lie. And even though the people closest to me—and perhaps even ALL my family and friends at this point—know that I’m trans (an achievement in and of itself), I STILL live a lie.

One of the gigantic reasons for this is because I have a severe issue with how I look. I struggle incredibly with my appearance. Actually, to be completely honest, I loathe my appearance… and I find it impossible to try to be true to myself while feeling the way I do about how I look, as I appear NOWHERE close to who I actually am.

My appearance, or more specifically my feelings about my appearance, holds me back in a MAJOR way and keeps me from publically jumping from the Male side of the fence to the Female side… which is something I desperately need to do. I’ve been saving money for years to try to address this in any way I can, and recently I thought I had FINALLY scraped enough together to make a good, solid push to address it so that I can FINALLY feel more confident about moving forward in this process… and, you know, just feel better about the everyday action of looking into a mirror.

So what I want to do (and have wanted to do since I first came to this I-am-trans conclusion) is have surgery on my face to feminize it, to make me feel better about looking at myself, and to help me make the huge and scary-as-hell step of entering the world in a way that is more representative of the person I am. (Though the thought of surgery certainly is frightening to me, but that’s a topic for a different post.)

After exploring what surgeries were available and how they could help me, I reached out to a surgeon, who is apparently excellent at this kind of work, and I had a good consultation. The next day his office sent me an estimated cost of the surgery. That cost was $28,000.

As I’ve mentioned, I have been saving for years to try to get the money together for this, but this price was FAR more than I expected it to be, and it sent me spiraling into a wild exploration of my options and what I could do to make this happen as soon as possible.

And, let me be clear when I say this, I need this to happen as soon as possible. This is because the way I’m living my life now has simply become agonizing. Every day I’m forced to endure living like this, and all the badness that comes along with not being your true self to pretty much anyone, is excruciating. To think of doing it for even another year is unbearable. To think of suffering it longer than that… well, that’s when I start thinking about giving up on everything and just yanking the power cord out on my life.

Yes, it is THAT painful, and destructive, and maddening. This is why trans people are so disproportionally self-harming. This is why over FORTY PERCENT of trans people attempt to kill themselves. Whatever you think about this situation, please keep in mind that the feelings associated with it can be THAT horrendous.

On top of this, I’m overwhelmed by bitterness that I need to spend THAT amount of money in an attempt to physically get myself to the point where I feel I somewhat coincide with who I am mentally, which is something that 99.9% of the population doesn’t need to even think about. (Though I do realize that people who aren’t trans experience body issues, and image issues, and all of that awful stuff. I’m coming at this purely from the whole contending-with-being-the-wrong-gender standpoint here.)

Despite all of this, I have recently been exploring options that basically boil down to taking a loan or using some crazy combination of credit cards just so I can get through THIS part of it. And I will say that while I make a decent salary, I would barely make enough to cover the not-at-all-extravagant expenses I generate now if you throw another huge monthly payment on top of it.

Still, if this was just for a few years, I could tighten my belt for this time and I’m sure I could navigate my way through it. The additional issue, however, is that this is just the first surgery for me, and the other surgery… the bottom surgery… is something that I also need to have as soon as I possibly can, because every day I feel wrong is another day that erodes at my will to go on. This surgery can cost up to $20,000, and I would then have to save for that, which I wouldn’t be able to do if I took a loan or credit card payment for this first round of surgery, because I would have exactly zero extra money to put away with the massive monthly payment the first round of surgery would rain down on me.

All of this, combined with a bunch of other factors in my life right now, are a swirling mass of stress and pain that surrounds me. And that stress and pain was insanely exacerbated when I finally got the strength and resolve to try to address this, and then just hit massive roadblocks that I don’t know how to navigate around.

The past few weeks have been a tornado of awfulness, and it’s certainly started to affect this nice, respectful person that was referred to at the beginning of this post. Because this pain is transforming me into a sullen, bitter, spiteful, hurtful, terrible person.

I’m an ardent believer that people have a good nature, and that when you see people acting in awful ways, it’s due to a pain they’re experiencing… either due to the fact that the pain makes them focus on themselves so much that they can’t see past it to see how they affect others, that this pain fosters anger in people and then they take that anger out on those that surround them, or the pain makes them so bitter that they just stop caring about anything and anyone.

This is the road I can feel myself getting pulled down. This once always-good person is now finding that I’m careening towards being someone who is so engulfed with bad that I am now taking it out on the people around me. I am not at all pleasant to be around. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t steer out of destructive behaviors, and I truly fear where all of this is leading me. I don’t know how to address it and I don’t know how to make it right.

I’m am trying, though… at least for now. Though, because of everything I described above, I had an EPIC meltdown over the past weekend that literally left me gasping for air. For someone who has undergone their share of stress and panic attacks, this is the worst that I have ever felt, and I am not exaggerating when I say that for a while I was keeled over in tear-ridden agony, uncontrollably shaking, nauseous, and hyperventilating, and then spent 24 hours in and out of overpowering crying fits and ugly tears, like to the point that I was amazed that someone could cry that much. And to top all of this off, also mixed into that 24-hour period was an insanely nasty fight between me and someone who I considered to be my best friend.

So, you know, life has been a cavalcade of fun for me lately.

All that said, I feel that 24-hour span was my rock bottom, and when you hit rock bottom, oftentimes you get a bounce, and with that bounce comes a much-needed catharsis that can clear your head and give you the resolve to move on with a little less burden, because you cleansed so much of that bad emotion from you through tears, and painful howling, and having most of your brain functions shut down just so you can process everything that’s screaming at you through all of these horrific feelings.

And so I try to find a way to muster on through this. I try to find a way to resolve these issues… but, that said, I feel like I’m doing so as a lesser version of myself, and as someone who has a festering overload of hurt and bitterness that forces me to not be nearly as good as I want to be to the people I come into contact with and to the people I’m closest to.

So, you may now be wondering, “Okay, emo kid, do you feel good that you dumped this mountain of shit on us?”

Well, no, of course I don’t, though one of the reasons I decided to write and post this was to try to find some sort of clarity and strength through writing about it and getting these thoughts out of my head and on “paper”. I also put this together to show just how much of a picnic this whole trans experience can be (since, you know, that is what this blog is about)… and yet all I continue to hear from certain people is that we’re dangerous because OH MY GOD THE CHILDRENZ IN THE RESTROOOMZ!!!111! (Again, a topic for another post.)

Lastly here, I wrote this as an attempt to tell people that one person’s pain is all of our pain. When someone is hurting, if affects them and their behavior, and will affect those that surround them. If you could make someone’s pain less, everyone’s interactions with them become better, as they become a better version of themselves. So I implore people to reach out and help others with their pain as much as they can, because in doing so you are truly improving someone’s life, and in turn, making this world a better place. One day soon I hope I can again be the kind of person that my friend from work described above, because right now, I feel as far from that person as I can possibly get.

All of this said, I’m actually going to leave you on a positive note.

In the time since this magnificent meltdown, I did indeed get that hitting-rock-bottom bounce that I mentioned above. Since then, I called about getting back into therapy, I reached out to someone about a trans support group (that I plan on attending next week), and, oh look, I’m actually writing again, which is something that has provided great solace to me in the past, though something I’ve steered away from over the last few years because I work as a writer, and with that being the case, sometimes the last thing I want to do when I get home after a long day is write for myself. I’m currently re-realizing just how helpful this can be, though, and I already have more writing ideas that I’m working on, which is good.

On top of all this, I have gotten some amazing support, care, and love from friends who realize the severity of what I’m currently going through, and I am insanely grateful for this and for them. Again, nothing but good.

While I am still not entirely well right now and still a lesser version of myself because of what I’m contending with, what I’m trying to get through, and the pain that this is causing me, through all of that I wish much love and nothing but the best to you all.

White Coat Hyperstressing

A few weeks ago I had an appointment with a dermatologist about a shiny bump I had on my face (which turned out to be nothing to be concerned about). However, since I’m in my 40s and have very pale skin, the doctor suggested I come back in a few weeks for a full body check. I suppose this is a smart thing to do, but now it’s causing me a ridiculous amount of stress, as most doctor’s appointments tend to freak me out for various reasons, a lot of them having to do with the whole trans thing.

This anxiety is exacerbated even more because the procedure I’m going in for requires me to strip down, and, since I have been on hormones for almost ten years now, my body is a mishmash of two different sexes. 

Now all of this could turn out to be totally fine, and with the visibility and empathy that trans people have been getting lately, and with the fact that this office is in the heart of downtown Philadelphia (a very LGBT-friendly city), many of my fears should be allayed. Yet they still exist.

And these fears still exist even after writing all my medications (hormones included) on the patient information form I filled out during my initial visit. I also even had a conversation with the dermatologist and another doctor about some minor scarring that has appeared on my face (probably) due to the extensive hours that I’ve had a needle repeatedly stuck in my face during my electrolysis treatments. 

When I told the doctors that I was having electrolysis, they asked if I was just getting ingrown hairs and other similar problems addressed, or if I was having my whole face cleared. I answered that I was getting all of the hair removed from my face, and that was pretty much that. The conversation may have paused for a second, but then they jumped right back into what could be done to treat the scarring, and even talked about how their office offers laser hair removal (though that doesn't work for me due to my blonde hair).

I should have just told them that I was trans then and there, and that probably would have helped me either feel more at ease with my upcoming appointment… or realize that I should cancel it altogether (as I wish I could've with some of the other AWFUL doctor's appointments that I've had in the past). But that ship has most certainly sailed.

So, what I described above would make many people think that everything would be fine, and that I should just go down and not worry about it and get checked out. But I also want to go because I was MUCH heavier than I am now, and I have just AWFUL stretch marks under my arms that trail onto my back and chest. So I’m hoping that something could be done about this, as sleeveless things are SUPER comfortable to wear and also make me look a lot more feminine, but I would have issues with going out in public like that because (among other reasons) it looks like someone dug in and scraped a rake down my armpits.

All of this being said, I’m STILL thinking about cancelling this appointment, because this is how heavily the whole situation is weighing on me. And because the scarring I’m looking to have addressed is where it is (primarily talking about my chest here), I’m just SO filled with agita about it. I keep thinking about what I would have on during this exam, and how things would play out, and it just makes me nauseous with how much it’s making my head spin.

On top of ALL of this, I’m just INCREDIBLY annoyed that I feel this way, and that I’m thinking about being a complete coward and cancelling this appointment. This leads me into beating myself up for ALL of the fear that has rooted itself deeply into my psyche, not just with this doctor’s visit, but with the entire trans issue.

This very minor situation is making me realize more and more that I am utterly immobilized by fear, and me being trans is at the core of it. After all this time, and all the progress that I have made, and all the effort I put into trying to be okay with myself and who I am, I still can’t fucking bring myself to do it…and it’s killing me. 

And the fact of the matter is, what many friends have told me about the trans thing is more than likely true: “No one cares about this as much as you do. NO. ONE. Most people give absolutely no shits about it.” So why the fuck do I care so much? Why am I so mired in this horrible position and why do I keep doing subconscious things to keep me pinned where I’m at? How do I get past this fear? 

Well, I think I can start by realizing that people are who people are and they feel what they feel (even if it's open contempt toward me), and accept that fact and be who I need to be regardless of that fact. People being who they are should have ZERO impact on me being me. Other people should have no impact on me EMBRACING who I am, and not just grinning and bearing it. This is a lesson that I desperately must incorporate into my life, because even in spite of all of this, I’m STILL thinking about cancelling, and I have about two days to decide to do so. 

If anyone has any suggestions for how to get past fear, please let me know. In the meantime, however, I wish all the best to you, always.

Branding and Marketing

Most people hear the word “transsexual” and images flash through their minds. Unfortunately, many of these images are of the Not Good variety, and I also think that an egregious amount of Jerry Springer may be smattered all over said images. As I said… Not Good.

Now I have nothing against Jerry Springer and his ilk per se, but I can’t help, being who I am, to be slightly put off by such shows. I have an old memory from in and around high school days of watching some afternoon talk show, like Richard Bey or someone WAY over the top like that, who happened to have some transwoman on the show that day. Though I didn't often watch programs like these, I made it a point to watch that particular show because it dealt with a topic near and dear to me (though at the time, I didn’t quite know how near and dear it really was).

As shocking as this may be, the show wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Let’s just say that there was not an enlightened discussion of transsexualism featuring a panel of well-educated people discussing the validity of these feelings, the lifestyle, and the problems and concerns transsexuals had in coping with their issues and living in the world. Though I honestly can't say that I was looking for that out of Richard Bey's show, but anyway...

What WAS on the show was this transwoman telling her current lover that she “used to be a man”… on national TV (I believe it was national anyway, or syndicated nationally, or whatev). The information that she shared, as one might expect, did not go over so well. After the lover’s shock wore off, they didn’t sit down and discuss this news, what it meant to their relationship, or even just what it meant at all. What did happen, was that they strapped this transwoman to a giant wheel – picture something like the “Wheel of Fortune” wheel – and then, of course, they spun her. Seriously. They spun her on a wheel. Oh, but wait… it gets better. While spinning, she then started to get pelted with what I remember to be oatmeal (though it may have been pudding now that I think about it). Yes, a trenchant and insightful discussion of the topic at hand indeed!

Unfortunately for me and other transsexuals, when some people hear the word “transsexual” they get a wonderful image like the one I just described above. Someone gets ambushed on a talk show, only to find out that the woman they’ve been sleeping with has had a sex change. We then become seen as clandestine shysters, who are out only to prey on unsuspecting men (and women, as the case may be). This, as I know firsthand, is a wildly accurate portrayal of a transsexual. I mean, if you could see us all right now, that’s all we are thinking about as we devilishly tap the tips of our fingers together and plot… you know, because we do an awful amount of plotting to do stuff like this. And just so you're forewarned, we also eat babies and choke newborn kittens. UGH! Please.

This notion of fiendish sex-plotting is wrong on so many levels, and to fully address it I would need at least another post or two. However, I will just pause to say that many people going through transitioning (people like myself for instance) have actually become asexual, as in we don’t look to have sex in any way. For me, personally speaking, I can say that I don’t really seek anything romantic with anyone, because if I did seek out any sort of romantic encounter, it would eventually come around to having sex of some sort, and to be honest, I really don’t like what’s going on with the lower half of my body right now. So, the thought of someone touching me in such a manner is actually sort of very ew to me for the time being.

Suffice it to say, going through this is not about sex (or who one is attracted to) in any way. This is by no means sexually gratifying, and in actuality, it’s essentially the complete opposite of that, as sex is something that hasn’t been on my radar in quite some time, and my sex drive has drastically waned from the blocking of testosterone and introduction of estrogen into my system. Yes, testosterone does indeed propel the sex drive. I can attest to that, as mine is about nil.

So, hopefully all of this allays some of the fear that’s out there surrounding people like myself. We’re not out to trick or dupe anyone into anything. There may be those among us who may look to dupe or trick, just as there is with people in general; but as a whole, we’re just like any other group of people… we just happen to get a lot of bad press. The bad press comes from the fact that we’re different, not a lot of people know a transsexual, and people who are not transsexuals have a tough time understanding what a transsexual is going through, because it is such a foreign notion to the wider population. Additionally, we are a very small minority, and as such, we don’t often have the big guns to help protect us and our image in the world.

To add to the joy and the fun, if people don’t think of the "talk show tranny", they move on to the wonderful (and pornography-crafted) moniker of “she-male”, or the ever so lovely “chick with a dick”. This whole view, again, is centered all around sex, but this time it’s an actual industry – though one that more often than not is thought of as “sick” and “perverse”. Transsexual porn is something that not a lot of people freely admit to being into, though there are enough people out there who like it that there's a market for it. Oh, and transsexual prostitutes… yeah, they will find work. People do frequent them, otherwise they wouldn’t be around. You don't often hear people speak of that either.

Personally (and this may be a bit biased), while I don’t particularly like the over-sexed idea of the transsexual (as pretty much ALL of the transsexuals I have ever met are not this way at ALL), I don’t see what the problem is when it comes to what gets someone off. If someone finds the idea of someone who looks like a girl yet still has a penis attractive, should anyone even care? People do, however, because it falls into this afraid-to-be-gay area that many people still seem to vehemently rail against. Even the whole “you’ve been sleeping with someone who used to be a guy” motif falls into this "I am SO not gay, and I'll punch you if you say I am" type thing. People become SO upset by it, that they flip out, lash the person to a big, spinning wheel, and then proceed to pelt them with mushy oatmeal… or they sleep with the person, find out what they have gone through, and they actually kill the person because they are THAT upset about the idea... but, you know, six of one, a half dozen of the other.

For all of these reasons and perceptions, I would like to declare a moratorium on the word “transsexual”. It just has way too many negative connotations associated with it. Additionally, being someone who has worked in marketing for a significant portion of my adult life, I would like to “re-brand” the entire idea. I would like to present it for what it is – people just like everyone else, who are trying their best to deal with feelings and a situation they did nothing to create, which happens to be causing them an over-abundance of pain and strife, much of which is caused by societal intolerance, misconception, and misrepresentation.

If you look at the definition that I just laid down, you can gather a lot from it. For instance, most transpeople are resilient folks. They keep taking the punches that life hurls at them, and many of them keep getting up and moving on, no matter how many times they've been knocked down. I find that to be pretty damn admirable in and of itself… but wait, there’s more!

Transpeople can be supremely accommodating and flexible… naturally. We generally have a good sense of humor, because if you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness of this situation (and yourself) you won’t last long with all of these feelings rampaging throughout your gray matter.

What’s more, transpeople have a way of observing life and the world through a set of eyes that has kind of lived on both sides of the male/female divide. We offer a very unique perspective on things, because we have seen the world in a very unique way. By way of survival, we have to been keen observers and harness a magnificent amount of understanding. Additionally, we are the bridge between male and female. We understand what women are dealing with more than any man ever will; and conversely, we understand what men are dealing with more than any woman ever will. We exist in this region of human existence that dwells between the points of Male and Female*, and to that end, we have something highly unique to offer the world.

The problem is: with things in their current state, we will never be seen as I’m describing above, and I think that the word “transsexual” is a part of the problem. It carries way too much baggage.

So… I suggest we totally and completely become known simply as trans. Trans is sleek. Trans is catchy. Trans is very now. Okay, now I’m getting a bit too wrapped up in marketing-speak.

For anyone who doesn't know, trans is a prefix that means “across or through”. So, transsexuality is "across sexuality", i.e. something that is not defined by the current description of the “male or female” idea of sexuality. It goes across and/or breaks clean through that barrier. It is the bridge over the gulf.

Now some may find it best to not play a rousing game of Curious George and the Mysterious, Unattended Apiary when it comes to crossing these barriers and exploring these new avenues; but I say why not? Why not explore what’s out there? Why not see that there are many things that go on in this existence that, while strange, are also fascinating in their uniqueness? Personally I’d rather embrace this kind of stuff, and I’d like to be as trans as possible when it comes to most things. I would like to be able to see both sides of any situation. I’d like to be able to understand things from many angles; and I’d like to experience all there is, and not confine myself by listening to erroneous societal demonizations, as I’d like to make the call for myself after exploring the options that life presents to me.

So, essentially, what I’m saying here is: get to know someone who’s trans. Appreciate them for who they are and for the uniqueness that they can offer to you and your world. Welcome their differences, but don’t forget to embrace your similarities. Transpeople ARE just like you, only they happen to be trans. Which, as I said, is sleek, catchy, and very now. :)

I hope all is well in your world.
Peace and all the best to you.


* As a side note, I don't see sexuality in any way as a binary of "male" and "female", as this notion promotes the stereotypical definitions of men and women, and no one embodies all of the stereotypes about their particular gender. Some men cry at movies, and some women LOVE sports - just to name two incredibly obvious ones. In my view, the whole male/female dynamic lies on more of a line with what's seen as stereotypically male at one end, and what's seen as stereotypically female at the other. Some people may stray close to the ends of this line, but most people fall somewhere in the middle, as they are people, and people are not stereotypes. There is nothing wrong or right about falling at any point on this line, you just kind of wind up where you should be, because that's who you are as a person. The important thing here is to embrace everyone along this line, no matter where they happen to be, because, as I said, in the end we're all just people.