A Big Day for Big Things

For those of you who may not know, today is National Coming Out Day. And in knowing this some people may ask, "Why is this important? Do we really need a day for this? I don't have a problem with LGBT people, but why can't they just be themselves and not make everything about telling us who they love and that their gender is this one or that one?"

First off, if you have said the last comment, make no mistake, you DO have a problem with LGBT people.

But to address the first two questions that I've seen and heard people ask... well, I can only speak for myself here...

Being trans IS who I am to a large extent. It makes up a MASSIVE portion of what my life is, what I have learned in this existence, and the lens that I have witnessed the world through. The feelings and pain that this has laden upon me has shaped and eroded all things around me... family, friends, money, serenity, comfort, time, and the list goes on.

To not know that I'm trans is to not understand me as a person on any level. If you don't see this and don't understand that what I feel is true, you don't know me at all. And if that is the case, how can you even be important to me? How can you call me a friend or say you care about me if one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, aspect of my life is ignored by you?

Though this is not to say that this has to constantly be kept in mind by people interacting with me. It should just be something known, something recognized, something validated, and then you have a better idea of where I'm coming from with everything. It's a latent understanding that this is my identity and this is my struggle. If someone you know is going through an enormous amount of pain and conflict, it's not that you need to talk about it, but you should understand that it exists... well, if you want to know the person or you care about them at all.

So seven years ago today... on National Coming Out Day... I posted the following message on Facebook along with a link to this blog:

In honor of National Coming Out Day: Today, in 2010, 29 states still allow someone to be fired with NO legal recourse simply for being lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and there are 38 states where someone can be fired purely for being transgender. This means that in 38 states (including the one where I currently work), I can be fired solely for who I happen to be... you know, if I choose to make that known in the workplace. So, for those of you who don't yet know: Yes, that means that I am indeed trans.

It was a move that I would sometimes describe as nouveau-trite (you know, coming out to everyone... on Facebook... on National Coming Out Day), but there has not been a day or a moment where I have regretted any of it.

This is because I received a mountain of support and love that day, and that's something that I desperately needed at the time... and still do actually... much like many LGBT people.

This is because it makes me supremely thankful that I had a small group of close people in my life at the time who knew me for me and who were in my corner cheering for me and giving me the guts, nerve, and resolve to tell all who know me socially one of the biggest things about me and to not hide my shit in the shadows from those I care about.

This is because for the first time and on a large scale I was acknowledging THIS is who I am. THIS is me. Take me or leave me as you will, but do so for who I AM and not for who your half-shrouded notions define me as.

And let me say this, if it isn't already apparent... this was scary as fuck to do. It's scary to share that much of yourself all at once. It's scary to let ALL these people into your world and expose the rawness of all the pain that you feel to them. It's scary to anticipate reactions and know that just by saying this, just by stating who I am, people will leave me. People will say hurtful things to me and abandon me. People I care about will laugh at my pain and do so without remorse.

I have certainly been on the receiving end of bad and terrible reactions to this news... and much of it you can shake off. Then someone you truly love comes at you with all guns a' blazin' while you are completely vulnerable, and the anger and disgust they assail you with just shatters your soul. It's more profoundly devastating than I'd like to admit or acknowledge.

BUT... through all of that, coming out has brought me much closer to some people. I see this moment that happened seven years ago today as the turning point of my relationship with my mother, which has only healed and blossomed since that day. That Facebook post (and this blog, actually) opened up gates of support that didn't previously exist, and it gave all who read at least some understanding of what trans people deal with... and believe me, I have it better than most.

Coming out provides exposure: If you don't think you know someone like me... well, you do. You can then see that I'm a human being with my own set of imperfections, foibles, and struggles who is just trying to get through life... just like everybody else. And through this exposure comes empathy and understanding. And through that becomes the lessening of fear and hate.

ALL of this... and for so many more reasons that I don't have the time, capacity, or talent to state... is why Coming Out Day is so important. It gave me the strength to be more myself and take a flying leap toward happiness, and I know it does the same for countless others as well... and many of those who need an abundance of empathy and understanding far more than I.

To end this, I'll refer back to my Facebook post. Here we are, seven years later, and in 28 states you can STILL be fired for being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, which has dropped by only one. In 30 states, including the one where I live and work, you can STILL be fired for being trans (down by eight, but not enough). On top of this, a few states now have laws in place that don't even allow for local protections to be enforced for cities or municipalities that wish to protect LGBT rights. Then we have the incredibly fucking stupid "bathroom bills".... then of course there's the people running this country at the moment who are essentially waging a war on people like me, and I've already seen people suffer for it. I've seen people who enlisted to serve in the army to protect the country hurt by this... but all of this is a topic for another post and another day.

I want to leave this post on a positive note, so here's a quote from Frank Ocean about coming out....

I hadn’t been happy in so long. I’ve been sad again since, but it’s a totally different take on sad. There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.

Be well, and all the best to you.

Back in the (Horrifying) Saddle Again

Over the past 15 years or so I've been a participant in a good handful of trans support groups. My time with these groups varied, and there are different reasons why I stopped attending each. I stopped going to the most recent one I went to, which was probably about five or six years ago, because seemingly any time someone had something to say about their lives, it was essentially, "I really wanted to kill myself this week," and this was said with all the tragic earnestness in the world. We would then discuss it until it was time to move on to the next person, who then would echo these same engulfing feelings of mounting despair and hopelessness… "I really wanted to kill myself this week." And so it went for the full hour.

The sentiment was as ubiquitous as it was affecting. These dreadful feelings cast a palpable pall over the meeting room every time I attended. 

Still, I was at a point where I was trying to connect with and help others, so I went to this group every week for a few months and tried to offer input and advice whenever I felt like I had something supportive to say. Eventually, though, it just got too grueling and depressing, and going to this particular group really started to bring me down more than not going. This is especially so because I had dealt with the whole wanting-to-kill-yourself-on-the-reg kind of feelings for years. I fought my way through them, and hadn't been truly suicidal in quite some time. Hearing the despair in the room was starting to wake these dormant feelings from slumbering deep inside me, and I knew it was time to get out.

And I don't mean to sound glib or cavalier about this, but in dealing with being trans, and reading about it, and hearing people's stories about their own journey with it over the course of a decade or so, you realize that the statistic saying that 40% of trans people attempt suicide is not only accurate, but may very well be a conservative estimate.

Being as stalled as I am with this process, lately I’ve been trying to make a firm effort to finally get past this stage of transitioning and on with my life. In doing so, I have started therapy again (which has been a GOD. SEND.), and I am fairly certain that I need to be around some people sharing this experience and to try to at least be some part of this community. I don’t have any trans friends, and while I have a ton of support from some awesome and amazing people in my life (MANY thanks!), there is a different kind of connection that you can forge with people that truly understand on a deep, innate level what you’re going through and what you’re feeling… because they’re going through it and feeling it as well. I need this in my life right now.

So, even though I was filled with the trepidation that my past forays into trans support groups instilled in me, I went back to one tonight. It was an interesting experience that I haven’t fully processed yet, but there were some first impressions that I’d like to share. 

There was a degree of familiarity to the proceedings, even though I knew no other people in the room. And while there was only one mention of a suicide attempt (in the past tense, thankfully), the stories that these people told were still tear-inducing, infuriating, and, in some cases, utterly horrifying. To hear these people… these strangers… bear their souls, to hear about their heart-wrenching struggles with their families and the people closest to them was all too similar to stories I’ve heard through the years from trans people who I’ve sat in groups with, and brought back to my mind in crystalline fashion the heartache, fear, anger, hurt, and raw vulnerability that I have experienced in similar situations and that still wells up in me during bad times.

Weirdly, this almost took me aback. In contrast to how much visibility, acknowledgement, and public support trans people have begun to experience over the past few years, the reality of the experiences I heard this evening was a clear display of just how much further we need to go as a society so that trans people aren’t suffering the way these people are… and the way I do as well.

In addition to this, I have felt that with as much acceptance as trans people have been getting lately (compared to even just five years ago), there is now a backlash. There is now a staunch, focused outrage about us, and with the most recent election, and the reaction elicited from this election… be it hate crimes, hate speak, or just amplified hatred in general… things with transpeeps have taken a step back. And it’s scary for us, even more so than the usual day to day is.

And so I’m writing today to implore everyone to seek a deeper understanding, to strive for an abundance of love, and to truly embrace those good people who happen to be different from you. Help acceptance grow. Help alleviate suffering. Help heal. Help in any way you can. There are people who truly need it, and help can only be achieved through a unified, concerted groundswell of effort, because there is seriously a mountain of work that still remains undone. Tonight proved this fact to me.

The good news here is that one mere minor step anyone takes in this direction can go hundreds of miles in helping someone out. If we all take that one minor step, think of how much bad can be eradicated.

Sincerest thanks to those of you who have already taken a step in this direction, be it large or small or many. You know not how much good you do. 

As always, much love to you all.

Oh, Look...An Actual Positive Post

As those closest to me know, I've been going through a major bout of depression lately. It's a bad one. Like a really, bad, BAD one. And this is coming from someone who's gone through their fair share of depressive times. I can honestly say it's one of the worst bouts I've ever had. Ever.

BUT (as this is a positive post)... I've been feeling slightly better and better with each passing day. This is the case because I've been coming to certain realizations about life, and also remembering important things I learned in the past that I have, through the normal passage of time, since forgotten. What follows is something I remembered recently that is a helpful thing to keep in mind in the coming days:

I should preface this all by saying that the massive span of the entire stupid trans issue is at the root of this last bout of depression, which is probably rather obvious since: a) that seems to be the cause/reason for pretty much everything that decides to pop its head into my life, and b) this blog is about said entire stupid trans issue... so, you know, there's probably a reason why I'm bringing it up here. 

A major part of my depression was triggered by the fact that I've reached a point where I don't really want to deal with this anymore. This issue, which has utterly dominated everything in my life for the past 15+ years, is something that I just can't DO anymore. I can't take feeling bad every time I look at myself. I can't take the constant question of what I'm going to do next. I can't take thinking about every. single. aspect. of this situation over and over and over again every single fucking minute of every single fucking day. I can't take the fact that THAT'S how wrong I feel at ALL times, that it feels SO terribly wrong that I can't block it out anymore and just LIVE. And I certainly can't deal with the fact that the "answer" to all this is to go through hundreds of hours of treatment, grotesque amounts of surgery, and spend a shuddering amount of money to only then TRY to present myself to the world in a way that's as close as I can possibly get to how I see myself, even knowing that the wide majority of people will never see me for that AND that I will probably never feel truly "right". It's grueling. And it's an utterly horrible way to live. 

And the crispy chocolate coating on top of this sundae of joy is the fact that instead of staring at themselves in the mirror and gritting fuck...fuck... fuck through their teeth at their excruciating reflection every night, most people are busying themselves with falling in love, with getting married, with starting a family, with furthering their career... in other words... with BEING CONSTRUCTIVE AND LIVING THEIR LIVES.

And here I am, slipping further and further into middle age, still contending with these horrible feelings that consume the whole of my energy and strength, and not knowing what to do... because there really is no good option here. There just isn't. And even if I knew what to do, how do I put thought and energy into this massive undertaking when I'm basically struggling to make it from one day to the next without an utter collapse?

I feel phenomenally trapped. Trapped because this is something that I HAVE to deal with; it's not going to go away, and actually, it just gets worse every day. There is no choice here, because this is just who I am and how I was made (as a very good and astute friend keeps reminding me). So, as epically shitty as it all is, I still have to deal with it. Always. I'm trapped in this issue and trying to gnash my way through the bars doesn't seem to be working. 15 years is far too long to spend in a cage.

To... ahem... get to the positive here...

What I remembered recently that is slowly getting me past some of these feelings, is that most people are trapped only because they allow themselves to be.

There was a story a while back about a guy who sold all of his things, save the clothes on his back, and took all of his money in the world to a casino and put it ALL on one spin of the roulette wheel. And what I thought about this is that anybody could do that. Not that they would do that, but that they could do that. You really could go and do that. Now you probably wouldn't want to deal with the consequences of such a risk, but it's important to realize that you have that kind of power. You CAN do big things like this if you so desire, although you have to accept what the outcome of your actions will be.

You don’t have to be where you are, doing what you're doing. You can do whatever you want to do. You could literally quit your job tomorrow. You could leave behind your family and friends. You can run off and join a cult. Hell, you can even sell everything you own and move to China if you wanted! You could do all of these things. Really, you could.

And if you have the ability to do all of these outlandish things, there certainly has to be a way to take positive steps to change your life. Even if they're only minor, there ARE things that can be done.

Now hopefully you're living a life full of happiness, and you don't feel trapped in any way, and you don't feel like you need to break out of some sort of metaphorical cell. Hopefully. 

For those that do, you have to realize that you and you alone are in charge of what happens in your life. You CAN make decisions. Your are very rarely a victim of circumstance enough to have NO say in the direction of your life. YOU get to say where your life goes or where it doesn't go. You DO have that power.

Keeping that in mind, very few people are ever truly trapped, they're just presented with options where the outcomes are unappealing to them. In that case, you have to just learn to accept what the outcome of your breakout will be. If you can't do that, and every way out of your cell is less appealing than being in it, maybe what you consider being trapped isn't really all that bad and you should just chill the f out.

As I said, the important thing is to realize that you almost ALWAYS have options. You are never trapped. Once you know this, and ingrain it in the way you view and live your life, it gives you a certain kind of freedom and relief, and it punts a very annoying (and probably angry and diseased) monkey off your back, clearing the way for you to address more pertinent issues.

And so what I'm re-realizing is:
I am not trapped.
I have things I can do to make my life better.
I best find what they are and get hoppin'.

Be well, everyone.