The Decision Rests in Your Hands

As I have stated many times before—and in what has probably become the underlying theme of this blog—being trans is rough. You're tortured constantly, and getting the help you need is often a herculean task because a large portion of society thinks that you're more or less some perverted sociopath.

Trans people are born with this condition, and it's something we deal with and struggle with every day. We're good people who, just like everyone else, are simply trying to make our way through life and carve out our own piece of happiness; we just happen to be dealing with an excruciating set of circumstances in the process.

Now why I'm writing today is to say that things don't have to be so bleak for people like myself. There IS a way for things to get better for trans people.

The first thing that could make it better is eliminating the fear of the disproportionate amount of physical violence that is needlessly levied against us. 61% of trans people were the victims of physical assault and 64% were the victims of sexual assault—all simply for choosing to accept, deal with, and express publicly a condition that we were born with and attempt to cope with every day.

There's also the matter of employment. 97% of trans people have experienced some form of workplace discrimination, and the trans unemployment rate is TWICE what the national average is, with this number being even higher for trans people of color. In 34 states it is completely and totally legal to fire someone because they are trans and that person would have absolutely no legal recourse.

Could you imagine what it would be like to live in one of the states (as I do) where you can be fired simply for having this condition... simply for being who you are? Additionally, this monumental searing thing that is literally ripping your life apart is something you have to hide, and is something you can't express in any way in the workplace unless you want to live in fear of either being harassed on the job or fired.

Now some may say here, "What's the big deal? It's not that serious, because it's not like it's a life-threatening condition or anything." Well, these people would be wrong.

Being trans doesn't kill in the way that something as insidious and awful as cancer and a myriad of other diseases do, but 41% of trans people attempt suicide. 41%! (Compare that to 1.6% for all Americans.) And this 41% only takes into account the cases that are actually reported. Additionally, this doesn't address the more quiet ways to commit suicide. Over a quarter of trans people have misused drugs or alcohol (national averages are 7.3% for alcohol and 1.7% for prescription drugs), while over 30% smoke cigarettes (almost 10% higher than the national average). These numbers are so high for a reason. They are so high because trans people are dealing with something that causes severe and relentless mental anguish. So being trans doesn't kill by attacking and destroying someone's body; it kills by ravaging a person’s thoughts, emotions, and psyche.

And while people with other life-threatening conditions most often get care and compassion, trans people get treated with misunderstanding and sometimes revulsion. 19% of trans people were refused healthcare, 28% were harassed in medical settings, and 2% were the victims of violence in doctor's offices.

So, to put it lightly, people are SUFFERING because of this situation. BUT some of this suffering COULD be alleviated by making the road for trans people easier—by NOT treating us as pariahs, by fighting the violence perpetrated against us, by allowing us to go to work safely without fear of discrimination or the threat of losing our jobs, and by giving us access to healthcare and include in that healthcare the coverage for procedures and processes that will help us to safely deal with our congenital condition.

I'm very happy to say that there has been SOME progress. The Matthew Shepard Act expanded the 1969 United States federal hate-crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim's actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability. Now some may question the effectiveness of this and other hate-crime legislation, but hey, it's a start. If it gets even one person to not attack another due to the fear of the severity of the penalty, then the law is working.

Legislation like the Student Non-Discrimination Act and the Safe Schools Improvement Act have been introduced in Congress, and the website stopbullying.gov has been founded—all of these are designed to help provide an environment where ALL students can feel safe to learn without fear of harassment. This is pertinent to what I'm saying here because, according to a 2009 GLSEN survey, nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT students experienced harassment at school in the past year and nearly two-thirds felt unsafe.

There is also a proposed bill in Congress called the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (or ENDA) that would protect LGBT people from discrimination in the workplace. This essentially extends to LGBT people across the country the employment protections already in place to cover discrimination on the basis of sex, race, religion, national origin, age, and other classes.

Personally I have been watching the progression of the ENDA through the years because this obviously concerns me a great deal. As someone who is "out" to almost everyone in my life, I still had to be ultra-careful about letting anyone in my workplace know anything about a situation that I have been contending with for decades. This was to the point of basically having to hide who I am to almost everyone I worked with, to the degree of taking up a very vague Facebook moniker so that acquaintances in work couldn't find me online. This is because something as innocuous as my Facebook profile could possibly have been the source of me getting fired or discriminated against in work, and if that did happen, there really wouldn't have been a blessed thing that I could have done about it, because trans people have ZERO protection where I worked.

But then there's this bill, and it would cover the WHOLE COUNTRY. No LGBT person would ever have to live with these kinds of fears, or, at the very least, they would be greatly lessened.

The kicker here, and the greater point of this post, is that most Democrats in Congress support the ENDA, and President Obama has also ardently backed it. Most (if not all) Congressional Republicans, on the other hand, would not vote for it, which is why this bill hasn't even gotten to the floor since the mid-term elections of 2010 when the GOP gained control of the House of Representatives.

SO... how could I ever possibly be expected to vote for people who would rather me and others like me live in fear? How could I ever vote for people who would never give me a second thought? How could I vote for people who think me sick and perverted? How could I vote for people who say that I shouldn't be allowed to have a job like a teacher because children should never be exposed to people like me? (Some—possibly a great many—also say and think these things about the gay population in case you were wondering.)

I will tell you FLAT OUT, if you vote for pretty much any Republican at the national level, you are voting for the continuance of these attitudes. You are voting for me and for the entire LGBT population to continue to suffer. If the Republicans have control over Congress, and especially the presidency, there is NO. WAY. that life will get better for me, people like me, or anyone else in the LGBT spectrum until they no longer have that control or there's a massive sea change in their entire party's platform.

Now everyone should vote with their hearts and vote for what they personally believe is right, BUT if you are voting Republican in this election, are the reasons why you're doing it strong enough and valid enough to counter the fact that me and people like me will continue to suffer?

This really says it all.

In contrast to the Republican viewpoint, Vice President Biden called transgender discrimination the "civil rights issue of our time" at a recent campaign event in Florida. Both he and President Obama have embraced forward thinking ideas about LGBT people such as endorsing gay marriage—the first time in history that this has ever happened from either a sitting president or vice president. So, there are people like this who are open-minded and concerned about the welfare of millions of Americans, and there are those on the other side of the aisle who are so adamantly against this idea that they want to pass a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT to BAN gay marriage, which, by the by, would also effectively negate the marriages that have already been performed in an ever-growing number of states. Many, including Governor Romney, even balk at the idea of full civil unions for gay couples.

Additionally, there are many Republicans who don't want gay and lesbian couples to be able to adopt children, thereby depriving children in need a loving set of parents just because it offends them in some way. I honestly don't know how ANYONE could be in favor of that. It boggles my mind to a ridiculous degree.

And if you say that politicians are all talk, don't get anything done, and no matter what party gets power things will stay the same for LGBT people, I will say that during President Obama's first term: the Matthew Shepard Act got passed, Don't Ask Don't Tell got repealed granting LGB members of the armed forces the ability to proudly serve their country without fear of dismissal, benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees were extended... twice, federal employees could no longer be discriminated against on the basis of gender identity (protecting trans people for the first time), the passport process was made much easier for trans people helping to ensure that those like myself can do something as mundane as travel safely, and the list goes on and on.

With this established record on making the lives of LGBT people easier, if President Obama was given four more years and the Congress tilted in the Democrats' favor, I can only see this kind of progress growing exponentially in the future. ENDA will get passed, acceptance of LGBT people will continue to grow, and people like myself who are struggling like hell with this tormenting condition may even one day get coverage for the health care we desperately need. Things will get easier for millions of people, maybe even enough to stop over 40% of trans people from trying to end their very lives because the pain and the suffering is that great.

Though if this new extremist Republican party gains control of the government and they continue to be fueled by ignorance and hatred, it seems for certain that not only will there be NO progress for LGBT people, but things may indeed go backwards and millions of people who are already marginalized, like myself and many, many others like me, will continue to hurt.

So... what will you do now? The decision rests in your hands. Please vote and vote with where your heart leads you, no matter where that happens to be.

All the best to you all... always.

Sources

- 2009 National Transgender Discrimination Survey
- Center for American Progress
- National Transgender Discrimination Survey Report on Health and Health Care

- National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
- Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network 

What If?

There are two types of people in the world: There are those who believe unequivocally that what they think is true and never question anything once they come to a conclusion about it, and there are those who are open to the fact that they are human beings, and sometimes human beings can make mistakes—not just mistakes like they said the wrong thing to someone, or they backed into a telephone pole while trying to parallel park, or they tripped over a curb and embarrassingly spilled themselves all over the sidewalk in front of a herd of ritzy and annoying onlookers, but mistakes in how their thoughts, views, and opinions were constructed.

If you're one of the people who fall into the former group and you think you make exactly zero mistakes, please stop reading now and seek therapy, because you're obviously grappling with an astounding amount of delusion and you have FAR more important things to do than waste time reading my stupid website.


Okay, now that to those never-wrong fools have been addressed and are out of the way, let's move on.


Since this blog is about what it's like to be trans, I am now going to bring that into the conversation.

There are a ton of people in the world who don't understand what transsexuality is, or they fear it, or they're revulsed by it, or they have <insert terrible reaction here> to it.

Sure there are a bunch of people who "get it" as much as anybody can who's not actually dealing with these feelings, and these people are wonderfully understanding and supportive (to say the least). As awesome as these people are, and as thankful for them as trans people are, this post really isn't written for them; but they can feel free to stick around and read on. Maybe I'll even amaze everyone by saying something funny, or interesting, or insightful. I mean, you certainly wouldn't want to miss that, would you? 

Annnnyway...

This particular post is specifically addressed to those who either don't understand transsexualism or have an adverse reaction to it. To those people I ask a simple question: "What If?"

What if, much like people are born intersexed (or as hermaphrodites as people might say) and have biological characteristics of both sexes, some people are born with the body of one sex, but the brain of another? Put away your skepticism just for the moment and simply ponder the thought: What if this were true? I mean, do you know with 100% certainty that it couldn't be possible? Do you just want to believe that it couldn't be true because it's easier to process and deal with if it's not? Seriously, WHAT IF this were true?

Could you imagine the amount of suffering that these people would go through, not only because of the condition itself, but because of how society sees and treats them?

What if people were born like that—born, in essence, to suffer and wage a lifelong war against their own biology solely because they just happened to be made differently? What if people were sickened and revulsed by these people who were born with and struggling with an issue that they did nothing to bring upon themselves?

Couldn't it be possible that this could be true? Can you really, undeniably prove that it's not? Perhaps more importantly, how would you treat these people if they did exist?


Well, I'm telling you flat out that we do, and that every "what if" question I asked above is what I and many other people are struggling with on a daily basis. And please believe me when I say this is true because we have spent more time thinking about, examining, and questioning this situation from every. possible. angle. than all of the other people in the world combined, so we're kind of experts here... and this is without even getting into all of the medical corroboration that backs up what trans people like myself feel.

For who only knows what reason, a switch got flicked in the womb and we developed this condition. Would you treat anyone else with a congenital condition like this as badly? Would you be sickened and revulsed by someone with autism, or someone with a heart defect, or someone born with diabetes? Is it right to ostracize these people and treat them badly because they were born with a condition that makes them different? Is it right to deny them the care they need to get healthy? I mean, wouldn't you want these people to have the best life they could possibly have because they're dealing with something that most of us are lucky enough to NOT have to contend with?

So this is up to you. What if people are born transgendered? What if that meant that they're going to be internally tortured their whole life, especially so if they can't even get treatment for their condition because insurance companies can get away with not covering it due to the fact that most people don't care about it or are staunchly against it for some reason? Do you want these people to continue to be marginalized and suffer even more than they have to, or do you want to help them, because we as good human beings are supposed to care for each other, love one another, and help those less fortunate than us to get something out of life?

Again... what if all of this was true? How would you personally deal with the situation then? Would you hate or would you love people who were born with a condition that caused them to suffer? I can only hope that most people would come down on the side of love.

All the best to you.

Words Best Left Unspoken

Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things, I am tempted to think there are no little things.

—Bruce Barton

When it comes to the matter of addressing me, the majority of people in the world know nothing of who I am and what I’m going though, so it would make sense that they would address me in an overtly masculine way, because, woefully, I look like nothing but a guy.

Due to my stupid biological makeup, I am called “sir” by various people on a daily basis. Now obviously I’m trying to shake this title in a very desperate way, but as of yet, I can’t seem to. My size and my face are making this as insanely difficult as possible. (As a side note to this: GRRRRRRR)

Now when someone calls me “sir” and they don’t know me, I can shake it off. Sure it stings and it smacks me with proof that I look unquestionably male to anyone and everyone I happen across on the street (especially because there’s not even a hesitation or moment of uncertainty with the word “sir”, it just flows out naturally and completely unquestioned). Of course this hurts a tad, but I can deal with it… for the moment.

The real problem arises when one of these vague male monikers gets thrown at me from people who know me and know what’s going on with me. I get that I look like a guy; I intently abhor that fact, and I’m trying with utmost desperation to change it, but I understand that that’s how I look. However, the people who know me and know how much pain all this trans business is causing me… well, I think they should be able to look past the external, if even just a little bit. I mean, if you talk to me for more than a few minutes I think that it becomes pretty damn apparent that I’m not just some other dude* that you happen to know, and if you and I are close, we’ve probably spent more than a few minutes talking.

Additionally, since I’m “out” to pretty much everyone in my life, when one of the people who supposedly knows me best calls me “sir”, or “mister”, or “brother”, or even just refers to me as a “guy”, it’s like a shallow cut—one that won’t in any way seriously harm me, but if I get enough of them at once, I will slowly start to bleed out. Basically, it all adds up.

That being said, I’m painfully aware of how I live in the world at the present time, and though I don’t like the words “him” and “he” when used to refer to me, I realize that it’s tough to shake off pronouns in day-to-day conversation without sounding like you’re talking in an odd fashion. So when people speak of me, it’s much less of a big deal when they use these pronouns, especially since saying “she” and “her” in mixed company would only lead to confusion, which would only make me uncomfortable, which would only exacerbate my craziness. (As an aside to this, some people I know have stopped using pronouns altogether when it pertains to me, and I rarely, RARELY do. It’s not a super-easy adjustment, but it can certainly be done and be done in a relatively seamless fashion.)

There’s also the issue of my name, and where I used to have a major problem with it in the past, it’s just a name to me now, and basically it’s just something that I happen to be called. Calling me by a female name at this point in time would also only cause confusion and problems, so I can live with this boy name for now. It would be nice if people called me by a new name after I made the public switch, but for now, the name I have will do. Plus I can keep partially sane by telling myself that my name could be a female name anyway, if you just add “ie” to the end of it.

So pronouns, my name, stuff like that… it’s not really the issue. The problem I have is with words like “sir” and “mister” and “brother”, and this is because they’re easy to avoid and no conversational problems arise from not using them; in short, they’re tremendously superfluous. More times than not there’s no reason for a friend to be using these words except in an attempt to convey closeness. When someone calls me “brother”, for instance, I understand that they do it as a sign of endearment. What I need people to understand, however, is that this term is wholly UNendearing to me. As a matter of fact, when people address me as such, all I can think is that this person either has ZERO idea of what’s going on with me (which is especially maddening if we’ve discussed my situation in great detail), or that they just don’t give a shit. Needless to say, neither one of these is good, and people who habitually call me “sir” or “brother” get tough for me to be around for any extended period of time because it truly starts to grate after a while. So, here they are thinking that they’re saying something to promote closeness, but, if they thought about it for all of two seconds, they would realize that these words only make me feel bad, and by using them they’ll actually only push me further and further away.

So the point to all of this is to say that I get the everyday, near-unavoidable masculine language coming at me. I’m not thrilled about it, but I get it and it’s okay… at least until I make a major change regarding how I present myself to the world at large. What rankles me are the unnecessary male terms that are laden upon me by people who claim to be friends. I already have enough of this language assailing me without someone calling me “sir” or “mister” just to be “fun” and “witty”. If a “close” friend can’t understand why this is problematic to me, what does this say about their understanding of who I am as a person, and what hope do I have of the rest of the anonymous, uncaring world calling me by the correct terms when the time comes?

This is what I think about when someone calls me “sir”, or “mister”, or “brother”. As I’m sure you can see by now, it’s not appreciated.

Thanks for reading my rant. I hope all is well in your world, and that people aren’t calling you things that frustrate you and make you sad.

* The word “dude” is a funny one because I’m of the thought that it can be a very unisex term. I “dude” women, and I know women who “dude” other women, as in, “Dude, that was a crazy party the other night.” This is in no way a problem if said to me. However, just like any other woman wouldn’t want to be described as “some dude I know” or “that dude over there”, neither do I. So in this case, it’s not just about the word, it’s about usage.

Simple Science

There’s a story making the rounds about a transwoman who was booted from competing in the Miss Universe Canada pageant because she’s trans. Once again I made the mistake of clicking on the Yahoo! News story for this and reading some of the comments. (As an aside: Some people really, really suck boil-ridden ass.)

The good thing about torturing myself in this fashion, however, is that it’s inspired me to continue my response to the ignorant reasons that the grievously ignorant toss out there to hate on and condemn transpeople. So, I now present to you… 

Part II: Biology and Genetics

There’s a whole school of people who often shout things like the following on message boards: 

IF YOU WEREN’T BORN WITH A PENIS AND TESTICLES, YOU ARE NOT MALE!
IF YOU WEREN’T BORN WITH OVARIES AND A UTERUS, YOU ARE NOT FEMALE!
IT’S SIMPLE BIOLOGY!!

-or-

YOU’RE EITHER XX OR XY.
IF YOU ARE XY, YOU ARE MALE AND ALWAYS WILL BE MALE!
IF YOU ARE XX, YOU ARE FEMALE AND ALWAYS WILL BE FEMALE!
IT’S SIMPLE GENETICS!! 

Now as far as science goes, I like it well enough, but I am NOT very adept at either biology or genetics; so the fact that I can even muster up an argument to these two statements kind of shows just how hollow they really are. First let’s deal with biology.

Birth defects* happen all the time. As examples: boys can be born without testicles, and girls can be born without ovaries. Additionally, there are hermaphroditic people in the world who have ambiguous genitalia at birth, so according to “simple” biology, what does that make these people, male or female?

Also, what if something happens where either the testicles or ovaries have to be removed? Does that mean that the person is no longer male or female? If a guy gets into an accident and his genitals are destroyed, does that make him any less of a man? Is a woman who’s had a hysterectomy less of a woman?

In reality there is nothing simple about biology. To break down what someone’s gender is purely by what’s between their legs or what internal organs they happen to have at a given point in their life doesn’t take into account any of the myriad things that can happen to someone, either through some type of defect, disease, or accident. In short, this is a foolish and erroneous way to label and box people. Attributing someone’s gender to what kind of “equipment” they happen to be sporting doesn’t address any of the variations that occur in this multiple-shades-of-gray world, which makes it a poor way to discern such things. 

To springboard off of this, and to tie in the genetics aspect, there are people who have complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (or CAIS). This, from my dime-store understanding of how the human body works, is when someone’s cells are unresponsive to male hormones. This is present in the womb; so what can (and does) occur, is that there are people who are XY chromosomally, but have the genitalia and outwards appearance of a typical female. 

What I found even more interesting about this condition is that XY people with CAIS don’t have ovaries, but have testicles (oftentimes located internally). However, since the body can’t process the testosterone that is produced by these testicles, it is essentially converted to estrogen, which will feminize the body. The overwhelming majority of people with CAIS are born without fallopian tubes or a uterus, but they will develop as women, and, way more often than not, will happily live their lives as women. So, can we disregard all of that and say that they are men purely because they are XY? Well, according to the haters on the message boards, yes… though I, and I’m sure these women with CAIS, would staunchly disagree.

This alone should prove that genetics is not in any way “simple”. To add to that thought, there are also people who are born XXY, XYY, XXXY, XO, XXX, XXXX, and even XXXXX. So yes, let’s all just break it down into XX and XY. As we can see, there are no variations to this at all and everything is as black and white as the braying people on the message boards make it out to be.

Now if all these departures from the norm exist, who’s to say that the brains of transpeople aren’t just different from what their bodies say they are? I’m sorry if all of this information dealing with biological and genetic diversity destroys the basic cut and dry definitions that the uninformed strive to cultivate, but, you know, the facts are what the facts are. Apologies to the people who hate and avoid facts, because the facts are here, and they’re coming to get you.

I hope all is well in your world.

* I'm using the word "defect" only as a way to state that these people are born different from what’s seen as “the norm”, and I am in no way calling these people "defective" or the like. I mean, being trans could actually be seen as a “defect”, though I obviously don't think that trans people are defective in any way.


UPDATE (4/4): The decision to ban this woman from the pageant has since been overturned, and she can now compete. I'm pretty sure this blog post had everything to do with the reversal of this decision.

(Note: I'm 100% certain this blog post had nothing to do with the reversal of this decision.)

Jealous, Jealous AGAIN

We’re all probably a little jealous of something that someone else has that we don’t: Be it a great job, an awesome house, a partner, kids, or even straight hair when yours happens to be curly. I’m no exception to this. I would also love to have an amazing job, or someone to come home to, or kids, or something as trivial as straight hair. I don’t go so far as to consider these people who have what I don’t with any degree of contempt or animosity, but I do recognize when jealousy starts snaking through my innards.

The tolerable thing about jealousy, like all emotions, is that it tends to come and go. If you don’t think about that other person’s job, or house, or car, it’s easy to stave off the envious feelings that may surround these things. Jealousy is at its worst is when it’s incessant and inescapable, which is how mine happens to be with regard to a certain situation that I tend to blog about on this site.

You see, what I’m jealous of on a constant and crippling basis, is women. All women. Every single one of them. That woman sitting next to you right now? I’m jealous of her. The woman you just saw on TV? I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous of the woman you saw picking her nose in the supermarket last night, and the oblivious woman who was making your commute this morning ultra-annoying, and even the one in front of you at the convenience store checkout who smelled like mothballs and dirty kitty litter. Oh, and I’m jealous of that woman you saw just now… and of her… and that one… and her… and her… and her… and yes, her. In fact, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I’m jealous of YOU.

I’m jealous of the fact that women can just go about and live their lives, fit seamlessly in the world, wear whatever gendered thing they want to wear without even raising a hint of an eyebrow, and not have to undergo tens of thousands of dollars of insanely painful procedures just to look like and be accepted as a woman. Not discounting the societal problems that come with it (glass ceiling… objectification… insanely stupid legislators… etc.), the simple aspects of just being a woman, looking like a woman, and living in this world as a woman are effortless endeavors for women; whereas, although I know that in my head I am most certainly female, there is NOTHING effortless about me attempting to do these things, and this makes my life excruciating.

Like I said, jealousy is at its worst when it’s incessant and inescapable, and mine is certainly that. You can stop thinking about that car or a house that you're jealous of, which sort of makes the jealousy ease up a bit, but I can’t stop thinking about women; half of the population are women! But still, there are times where I’m hurting so bad that I can’t even bring myself to watch a TV show with women in it, because I’m too distracted and overcome by jealousy when I see these women on screen to even pay attention the show itself. I can’t avoid women, and I most certainly wouldn’t want to, because I LOVE women and women make up the large majority of my closest friends.

And even if I could avoid women, which, like I said, I wouldn’t ever want to, I would (and do) find myself getting jealous of men. Not that I want to be a man in any way, but, essentially, I’m jealous of anyone who hasn’t been inserted inside of this I’m-the-wrong-sex meat grinder. The fact that men, like women, don’t even have to think about their sex, and the fact that it’s not an issue to them in any way, shape, or form... yeah, I’m wildly jealous of that as well. I’m wildly jealous of the fact that 99.9% of the population can just blend in and be when it comes to the issue of sex and gender, because it’s NEVER going to be the case for me. NEVER. It’s ALWAYS going to be an issue.

So, if I’m desperately jealous of all women and all men all the time, how do you think this makes me feel about myself and my life? Can you imagine? Well, here’s a hint: I’m filled with hate about both things. Always.

By writing the above I am in no way saying that no one has it worse off than me and my fellow transpeeps. There are a ton of people in more dire situations than I’m in, and my heart truly, truly goes out to these people. But, life still throws its usual bunch of crap at me, much like it does to everyone else on the planet. I’m not exempt to all of the bad things that could happen to a person throughout the course of their life; I just have to deal with all of that and deal with how all this trans bullshit makes me feel on top of everything else. So I try my best (I really do) to smile and put on a happy face, even when I’m constantly shredded by intensely frustrating feelings of jealousy, self loathing, and despair.

Don’t you just love peering inside my happy, sunshiney world? What really blows my mind is that there are STILL people who think that being trans is a choice and that people go out of their way to feel this way for shits and giggles. Yes, who wouldn’t want to be a part of all the joy that I described above? With all the good stuff it brings to your world, I’m surprised more people haven’t chosen the sheer happiness of deciding that their body doesn’t in any way match who they are. </end sarcasm… and this post>

I sincerely hope that you don’t have it worse off than me, and if you do, I offer you my heartfelt empathy, hugs, and love. Be well.

Cover Me

Living without healthcare is a VERY dicey proposition. There’s not a one of us who would willingly want to do that, and if we were living without coverage, I’m sure it would be super-high on our priority list to get something in place with utmost haste.

But what happens if your chronic ailment isn’t covered by insurance? Well, essentially, that’s the same as not having coverage.

As I’ve stated in the past, there seems to be more and more evidence that people are born trans. Something happens in the womb, wires get crossed, and someone like me gets born.

Now you can look to the majority of the posts that I’ve placed on this site to see the amount of mental carnage that this bestows on someone. I don’t want to get too sidetracked with covering that ground again, so let me just say that it’s hellish.

The RECOMMENDED treatment for people such as myself is cross-gender therapy, which consists of hormones and other cosmetic procedures designed to get your body in line with your head. However, the costs of these treatments are well beyond the point of being called “substantial” and pretty much crash through the threshold of “egregiously obscene”.

Electrolysis, for instance, costs anywhere from 70 to 100 dollars per hour and it takes anywhere from 100 to 400 hours to clear an average face of hair. I’m already 200 hours in and I still have so much hair left on my face that I can’t even really think about the outlay of time and money that waits for me, because it seriously makes me want to die. I’m at least going to need another 200 hours of getting a hot needle jammed into my face over and over again. After a two-year break that I had to take from this delightful process so that I didn’t bankrupt myself, I finally just started electrolysis again at a cost of 85 per hour. So, you know, that’s about seventeen THOUSAND dollars I have to come up with right there, and that’s not counting the money that I spent on the 200+ hours that I already endured.

On top of this, many male-to-female trans peeps require some kind of facial surgery in order to live in the role that they feel they belong. These surgeries, at their most basic, can run anywhere from 10 to 30,000 dollars. And sex reassignment surgery (which is the “big” surgery that most people think about) costs in and around 20 grand. This cost is even higher for female-to-male trans folks (I’ve read in the $50,000 range), and they would have the added cost of removing their breasts, which also carries quite the price tag (I’ve seen this vary from anywhere between $7,000 to $20,000).

The money needed to deal with this condition that I was born with, and a condition that has wreaked tremendous havoc on my life, easily floats somewhere around $100,000… all of which I would have to pay for myself with absolutely NO help from health insurance.

ALL I want out of life at this point, is to get through this. To get through the whole process of transitioning and be done with it, so I can stop thinking about it and just live my life for once. That’s it. Just PLEASE get this monkey off of my back. I’m INCREDIBLY tired of dealing with it and having my entire world on hold because of it. I’m almost 40, and until I get this sorted out it’s near impossible to build a relationship, or to feel truly secure in any career, or just to settle in and enjoy life. 40% of trans people attempt to KILL THEMSELVES. It’s not hard to see why when you have this much stacked against you.

Many health plans now cover mental health, and they allow so many visits to a therapist within a given year, so there is SOME value that these faceless corporations place on their clients’ mental well being. But I, and many, MANY other people, have this unrelenting mental agony, and the RECOMMENDED treatment for this is NOT covered by most of the health plans in this country. More and more people employed by LGBT-friendly companies are getting some of these costs covered, but there are still a staggering amount of people who are struggling to deal with all of the trans bullshit while trying to scrimp and save enough for one of these NECESSARY surgeries, AND, at the same time, trying to scrape together enough money for yet another hour of electrolysis, or for hormones, or for a host of other things.

As I said, ALL I want out of my life at this point is to get past this and be done with it and live my life. And, though it’s taken me a hella-long time to get my head in the right place to do this, I’m so, so, SO ready for it to happen. But while I do okay when it comes to making a living, I have nowhere NEAR enough money to complete this process, or even to take another big step towards that goal. If I did, my life would be AMAZINGLY better. I’m not saying all of my problems would be solved, but a really big problem would be, which would give me more patience and more mental energy to focus on any of the other issues that life hits us all with on a daily basis.

My point in writing this is to say that being trans and dealing with it is my MAJOR health issue. It’s what I desperately need treatment for, because it’s slowly destroying me. For the sake of thousands and thousands of people, trans-related procedures need to start being covered by health care providers. They NEED to be. If it was, my life, and the lives of SO many others, would drastically change for the better in an instant.

Let me repeat that…  

Thousands of lives would change for the better in. an. INSTANT.

And while these surgeries and the like may seem cosmetic, they are not. They are the RECOMMENDED treatment for someone in my position. I DREAM of having the cash to complete this process. If the treatment for my major health problem was covered by health insurance, however, I wouldn’t need the ungodly amount of money required, and I could address all of this and move on with my life in a mere couple years, rather than the glacier-like pace that I’ve been forced to take, which should get me to my goal, hopefully, by the time I’m 80. You know, if I can make it that far.

I hope you’re faring much better than me when it comes to your health care. If you’re not, I send you nothing but love and the hope that things improve for you as quickly as possible.     

*For additional reading click here.

The Retreat

As we all know, life can tend to get a little nuts. From time to time we all feel like we’re caught in the clutches of a raging shitstorm, getting battered and tossed about like we’re out to sea, riding through a hurricane in a dinghy.

It’s during these times, when you’re getting hit with blow after blow and you’re stumbling and reeling in every misguided direction, that you need to stop everything, slow it all down, and regroup.

When 2011 began, I was caught in such a maelstrom. I was being whipped and whooped by life, no matter which way I turned. In an effort that I thought would cultivate momentum and push me through the beating, I blindly plodded forward, making poor decision after poor decision and completely losing myself in the process. I was essentially a shattered shell of a person as last year began, and when something is shattered, you have two choices: either you throw it all out, OR you start the laborious process of piecing it all back together again. Since I didn’t really want to toss away my existence, I chose the latter route.

So, how do you start putting your life and your own self back together? Well, the very first thing you have to do is to get out of the storm. You have to retreat. You have to seek shelter. It’s impossible to build anything in the middle of a torrent.

For me this meant completely pulling back from social interactions and from people in general. Not that all of the people in my life were causing problems for me or anything like that, it was just that they all contributed to this din that was slowly crushing me. I had to remove myself from it and find center again. I had to find myself again, specifically the self that existed outside of all exterior influences. In short, I had to quiet all the noise so that I could better listen to the voice inside me that was growing more and more faint.

So, this past year I spent a whole hell of a lot of time alone. Not that I was secluded like a shut-in (side note: “Secluded Like a Shut-In” would be an excellent name for an album), but my social interactions were extremely limited. It was a lonely year, it was a sad year, and it was a very tough year to get through. By the end of it, however, I had quit smoking, I had lost weight, and I had saved a small but decent-sized amount of money. Most importantly, though, I had found my center again. I found the parts of me that were completely lost. I reestablished my identity on my own terms by figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be, and through that I regained my confidence.

I simply cannot stress enough how much confidence governs one’s life. As an example, I was on a trip once, cruising along on an empty mountain road, when I got hit with a mild panic attack that caused me to suddenly question my driving ability. Now I consider myself to be an above average driver, so it’s not like I had any doubts about this stuff before. It was just a rare occurrence that struck me one afternoon, and because of it, not surprisingly, I started to drive a little less straight, I had to pay a lot more attention, and the very simple act of rolling along this lonely, serene mountain road became a herculean task.

To get past this, I first had to stop these insane thoughts from coming at me. Then I had to simply trust myself again. I had to remind myself that I’ve spent two decades and hundreds of thousands of miles behind the wheel of a car. I had to know that I could do this and that it really was no big deal. Once I did that, once I trusted in myself, I didn’t have to think about the process of driving at all, and I just coasted along merrily.

The point to all of this, is that when you don’t trust yourself, everything gets 100 times more difficult, and when last year began I had absolutely zero trust in myself. So I retreated from everything, pulled away from most, and wound up regaining my edge, my mojo, or whatever other word you want to use for it. I began trusting not only in myself again, but also in who I am. By doing this, I rediscovered the following things about me.

Your smile is endearing.

You’re quick and you’re clever.

You can make people laugh.

You’re a delightful smart ass.

You can handle what life throws you.

You don’t care a smidge about what people who are unimportant to you think about you.

You can laugh at yourself and at the problems of day-to-day life.

You are able to understand deeply and love unconditionally.

You are a fountain of untapped potential.

You are worthy of any and all kinds of love.

And finally…

There is no one else exactly quite like you. Embrace it.

Yeah, 2011 was a BRUTAL year for me, but wow was it important. I think you can probably understand why.

I hope all is well in your world, that you know all of the many good things about you, and that you are feeling supremely confident. There really is no other way to live.