Jealous, Jealous AGAIN

We’re all probably a little jealous of something that someone else has that we don’t: Be it a great job, an awesome house, a partner, kids, or even straight hair when yours happens to be curly. I’m no exception to this. I would also love to have an amazing job, or someone to come home to, or kids, or something as trivial as straight hair. I don’t go so far as to consider these people who have what I don’t with any degree of contempt or animosity, but I do recognize when jealousy starts snaking through my innards.

The tolerable thing about jealousy, like all emotions, is that it tends to come and go. If you don’t think about that other person’s job, or house, or car, it’s easy to stave off the envious feelings that may surround these things. Jealousy is at its worst is when it’s incessant and inescapable, which is how mine happens to be with regard to a certain situation that I tend to blog about on this site.

You see, what I’m jealous of on a constant and crippling basis, is women. All women. Every single one of them. That woman sitting next to you right now? I’m jealous of her. The woman you just saw on TV? I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous of the woman you saw picking her nose in the supermarket last night, and the oblivious woman who was making your commute this morning ultra-annoying, and even the one in front of you at the convenience store checkout who smelled like mothballs and dirty kitty litter. Oh, and I’m jealous of that woman you saw just now… and of her… and that one… and her… and her… and her… and yes, her. In fact, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I’m jealous of YOU.

I’m jealous of the fact that women can just go about and live their lives, fit seamlessly in the world, wear whatever gendered thing they want to wear without even raising a hint of an eyebrow, and not have to undergo tens of thousands of dollars of insanely painful procedures just to look like and be accepted as a woman. Not discounting the societal problems that come with it (glass ceiling… objectification… insanely stupid legislators… etc.), the simple aspects of just being a woman, looking like a woman, and living in this world as a woman are effortless endeavors for women; whereas, although I know that in my head I am most certainly female, there is NOTHING effortless about me attempting to do these things, and this makes my life excruciating.

Like I said, jealousy is at its worst when it’s incessant and inescapable, and mine is certainly that. You can stop thinking about that car or a house that you're jealous of, which sort of makes the jealousy ease up a bit, but I can’t stop thinking about women; half of the population are women! But still, there are times where I’m hurting so bad that I can’t even bring myself to watch a TV show with women in it, because I’m too distracted and overcome by jealousy when I see these women on screen to even pay attention the show itself. I can’t avoid women, and I most certainly wouldn’t want to, because I LOVE women and women make up the large majority of my closest friends.

And even if I could avoid women, which, like I said, I wouldn’t ever want to, I would (and do) find myself getting jealous of men. Not that I want to be a man in any way, but, essentially, I’m jealous of anyone who hasn’t been inserted inside of this I’m-the-wrong-sex meat grinder. The fact that men, like women, don’t even have to think about their sex, and the fact that it’s not an issue to them in any way, shape, or form... yeah, I’m wildly jealous of that as well. I’m wildly jealous of the fact that 99.9% of the population can just blend in and be when it comes to the issue of sex and gender, because it’s NEVER going to be the case for me. NEVER. It’s ALWAYS going to be an issue.

So, if I’m desperately jealous of all women and all men all the time, how do you think this makes me feel about myself and my life? Can you imagine? Well, here’s a hint: I’m filled with hate about both things. Always.

By writing the above I am in no way saying that no one has it worse off than me and my fellow transpeeps. There are a ton of people in more dire situations than I’m in, and my heart truly, truly goes out to these people. But, life still throws its usual bunch of crap at me, much like it does to everyone else on the planet. I’m not exempt to all of the bad things that could happen to a person throughout the course of their life; I just have to deal with all of that and deal with how all this trans bullshit makes me feel on top of everything else. So I try my best (I really do) to smile and put on a happy face, even when I’m constantly shredded by intensely frustrating feelings of jealousy, self loathing, and despair.

Don’t you just love peering inside my happy, sunshiney world? What really blows my mind is that there are STILL people who think that being trans is a choice and that people go out of their way to feel this way for shits and giggles. Yes, who wouldn’t want to be a part of all the joy that I described above? With all the good stuff it brings to your world, I’m surprised more people haven’t chosen the sheer happiness of deciding that their body doesn’t in any way match who they are. </end sarcasm… and this post>

I sincerely hope that you don’t have it worse off than me, and if you do, I offer you my heartfelt empathy, hugs, and love. Be well.