When I was younger, long before I was truly aware of what was going on with me and Overcompensation was my normal mode of life, I was told that I had a good speaking voice. It was deep, and loud, and clear, and attention grabbing. In fact, a friend of mine once told me an idea he had for a radio program and how he wanted me to be the announcer because I had a great voice for it. Yeah, mine was a nice sounding voice... but it was also very male sounding.
As time went on, and I became more fully aware of the lurking issue that was about to completely devour me, I not only came to hate everything about how I looked, but I really started to loathe my voice as well. So I worked at it and worked at it, and after all of the time and effort I put in to make it sound more feminine, I can only sound half decent on the best of my better days. More times than not, any sound waves that emanate from my head generally make me wanna retch, both violently and copiously.
As time went on, and I became more fully aware of the lurking issue that was about to completely devour me, I not only came to hate everything about how I looked, but I really started to loathe my voice as well. So I worked at it and worked at it, and after all of the time and effort I put in to make it sound more feminine, I can only sound half decent on the best of my better days. More times than not, any sound waves that emanate from my head generally make me wanna retch, both violently and copiously.
The really fun part of this is that it’s not just limited to speaking. Whenever I cough, sneeze, laugh, cry, or jettison any other sound from my skull, I die a little inside. This problem is woefully exacerbated when I have a cold, or allergies are acting up, or I have a couple drinks and get The Stuffed Up Drinker's Nose. When any of these things are in play, I basically just don’t like to speak, and this reticence is even greater when I'm around others.
Being that when I entered 2011 it was already going to be a cloistered year for me, this trifling little issue with my voice made it even more so. I didn’t want to go anywhere, because that would mean that I’d have to be social. Not that I have any issues with being social… I actually ENJOY being social. But in being social, I would have to talk to people, and when one talks to people, they generally use their voice. This is not something I wanted to do in any way.
The searing pain that my physical appearance bestows upon me grows exponentially and gets worse with each passing day. Lump the whole hating-how-I-sound thing into the conversation and it's no wonder that I've been magnificently anti-social over the past year. At times it's a real trial to even face people in the workplace, and I've spent a large majority of my "vacation" time this year, not taking any kind of real vacation, but using most of my 20 days off to call out of work and talk myself down from various ledges.
This is what it's like. This is what it feels like at all times. It's nasty, and relentless, and it's always tearing at you. It's also only getting worse. Thankfully I find ways to cope. I'm not exactly sure how. I guess after a while you just get used to dealing with a certain amount of pain when it's with you every day.
All that being said, please know that I'm fighting to get past this and I'm forcing myself to be more social than I have been... but it's been very difficult. I really just wish this insanity would stop.
Much love to you all.
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