A Big Day for Big Things

For those of you who may not know, today is National Coming Out Day. And in knowing this some people may ask, "Why is this important? Do we really need a day for this? I don't have a problem with LGBT people, but why can't they just be themselves and not make everything about telling us who they love and that their gender is this one or that one?"

First off, if you have said the last comment, make no mistake, you DO have a problem with LGBT people.

But to address the first two questions that I've seen and heard people ask... well, I can only speak for myself here...

Being trans IS who I am to a large extent. It makes up a MASSIVE portion of what my life is, what I have learned in this existence, and the lens that I have witnessed the world through. The feelings and pain that this has laden upon me has shaped and eroded all things around me... family, friends, money, serenity, comfort, time, and the list goes on.

To not know that I'm trans is to not understand me as a person on any level. If you don't see this and don't understand that what I feel is true, you don't know me at all. And if that is the case, how can you even be important to me? How can you call me a friend or say you care about me if one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, aspect of my life is ignored by you?

Though this is not to say that this has to constantly be kept in mind by people interacting with me. It should just be something known, something recognized, something validated, and then you have a better idea of where I'm coming from with everything. It's a latent understanding that this is my identity and this is my struggle. If someone you know is going through an enormous amount of pain and conflict, it's not that you need to talk about it, but you should understand that it exists... well, if you want to know the person or you care about them at all.

So seven years ago today... on National Coming Out Day... I posted the following message on Facebook along with a link to this blog:

In honor of National Coming Out Day: Today, in 2010, 29 states still allow someone to be fired with NO legal recourse simply for being lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and there are 38 states where someone can be fired purely for being transgender. This means that in 38 states (including the one where I currently work), I can be fired solely for who I happen to be... you know, if I choose to make that known in the workplace. So, for those of you who don't yet know: Yes, that means that I am indeed trans.

It was a move that I would sometimes describe as nouveau-trite (you know, coming out to everyone... on Facebook... on National Coming Out Day), but there has not been a day or a moment where I have regretted any of it.

This is because I received a mountain of support and love that day, and that's something that I desperately needed at the time... and still do actually... much like many LGBT people.

This is because it makes me supremely thankful that I had a small group of close people in my life at the time who knew me for me and who were in my corner cheering for me and giving me the guts, nerve, and resolve to tell all who know me socially one of the biggest things about me and to not hide my shit in the shadows from those I care about.

This is because for the first time and on a large scale I was acknowledging THIS is who I am. THIS is me. Take me or leave me as you will, but do so for who I AM and not for who your half-shrouded notions define me as.

And let me say this, if it isn't already apparent... this was scary as fuck to do. It's scary to share that much of yourself all at once. It's scary to let ALL these people into your world and expose the rawness of all the pain that you feel to them. It's scary to anticipate reactions and know that just by saying this, just by stating who I am, people will leave me. People will say hurtful things to me and abandon me. People I care about will laugh at my pain and do so without remorse.

I have certainly been on the receiving end of bad and terrible reactions to this news... and much of it you can shake off. Then someone you truly love comes at you with all guns a' blazin' while you are completely vulnerable, and the anger and disgust they assail you with just shatters your soul. It's more profoundly devastating than I'd like to admit or acknowledge.

BUT... through all of that, coming out has brought me much closer to some people. I see this moment that happened seven years ago today as the turning point of my relationship with my mother, which has only healed and blossomed since that day. That Facebook post (and this blog, actually) opened up gates of support that didn't previously exist, and it gave all who read at least some understanding of what trans people deal with... and believe me, I have it better than most.

Coming out provides exposure: If you don't think you know someone like me... well, you do. You can then see that I'm a human being with my own set of imperfections, foibles, and struggles who is just trying to get through life... just like everybody else. And through this exposure comes empathy and understanding. And through that becomes the lessening of fear and hate.

ALL of this... and for so many more reasons that I don't have the time, capacity, or talent to state... is why Coming Out Day is so important. It gave me the strength to be more myself and take a flying leap toward happiness, and I know it does the same for countless others as well... and many of those who need an abundance of empathy and understanding far more than I.

To end this, I'll refer back to my Facebook post. Here we are, seven years later, and in 28 states you can STILL be fired for being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, which has dropped by only one. In 30 states, including the one where I live and work, you can STILL be fired for being trans (down by eight, but not enough). On top of this, a few states now have laws in place that don't even allow for local protections to be enforced for cities or municipalities that wish to protect LGBT rights. Then we have the incredibly fucking stupid "bathroom bills".... then of course there's the people running this country at the moment who are essentially waging a war on people like me, and I've already seen people suffer for it. I've seen people who enlisted to serve in the army to protect the country hurt by this... but all of this is a topic for another post and another day.

I want to leave this post on a positive note, so here's a quote from Frank Ocean about coming out....

I hadn’t been happy in so long. I’ve been sad again since, but it’s a totally different take on sad. There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.

Be well, and all the best to you.