Just what the fuck am I going to do with myself in regards to the whole gender thing? I can’t see any way that I will ever start living my life as a woman. I mean, I guess I could really start scraping things together and just do it; but will that make me happier, or more miserable? I think that I want to do it when I have the chance to actually go and have the surgery soon after doing it, otherwise I’ll just be prolonging the agony of living in the world as a woman with a penis (and oh, how that's not too inconvenient or anything... if even just in terms of getting dressed and hiding things).
Though it's not like I’m not "hiding things" now, but in the scenario I just mentioned, all the world will see me and be much more aware of everything; and at the moment I'm sort of duping people into thinking I'm a guy... and pretty much making things easier on myself at the same time. (By the by, this only works because everyone who's close to me, knows I'm trans. If they didn't, the above described scenario would be quite hellish.)
I don’t know. I just know that I have to make a decision. If I’m not going to go through with all of this, will it be enough? I wish I could just have the bottom surgery, keep living like this, and if I ever want to transition socially, I could just do it.
It’s tough because I really don’t want to live without the anonymity factor going on. I want to be able to just walk into any place that people go, and not feel like all eyes are on me because I’m "the freak". I want to be able to interact with people and have them judge me on my interactions, NOT on the fact that I happen to be a 6’4” woman.
Well, if I’m lucky they’ll see me that way. If not, they’ll just see me and judge me as a transperson. And... well... whatever.
I have no doubt that these answers will come to me, but for now, I have no idea what they are. This is especially so because money is SUCH a factor with all of this.
I wasn't sure where I was going with this, but at least I posted. It's been a while. I hope all is well with you, whomever you happen to be. :)
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