I realized recently, through a weird course of events, that I have anger issues. Now, I don’t really mean that in a way that's as bad as those words may seem; and the fact of the matter is, I’m usually a very placid person. Yes, placid. I can be excitable, but I’m pretty peaceful when it comes right down to it. Or so my exterior may make it seem.
Anyhoo, I am someone who seems to suppress a lot of anger. And before that's taken the wrong way, I should say that I don’t really experience a lot of anger these days. It’s not very often that I get angry, as it’s just sort of not in my nature. I’m also a pretty understanding person, so I don't usually get overly upset with people, because I can often see their point, even if I don’t happen to agree with them.
I'm just really not a person who gets angry easily... until this week. I have been just GNASHING mad this week – seemingly at everyone and everything. It's bad. I hate it. I don't like it even a little bit. I loathe feeling this way. What makes it worse, is that I find I've been overly angry about things that I, more times than not, would find to be a minor annoyance.
It then occurred to me this evening, I’m not angry about these above-described situations that seem to be making me angry; because those things just aren’t worth getting upset about (they’re really not when I sit down to think about them).
It turns out that I’m angry, because… well… because I’m angry.
Essentially I have a lot of anger towards the universe, or god, or the It, or whatever moniker you use to describe the force (if there is one, and I believe that there is something) that governs the universe. Not governs. Guides? Something? I don’t know, and this is getting way more theological than I mean it to.
Reeling myself back in…
Whatever this is... I’ll call it “the universe”... I’m mad at it. I’m mad at “the universe”. And I very much mean that on a metaphysical level, and in no way on a physical level, if THAT makes any sense at all.
And I’m upset with the universe (even though it’s done wonderfully cool things for me) because I’m going through this utter gender-swap nonsense.
Now, now, I don’t mean “nonsense” in the sense that going through this process (or the people who do so) is in any way nonsensical. I’m going through it myself, so I get how these feelings are not stupid in ANY way. I get that. Believe me, I do.
What I am saying, however, is that it shouldn’t even fucking MATTER if I’m a man or a woman. I mean, cosmically, or whatever. And I know that I am totally sounding like a neo-turbo-hippie, but c’mon. Why does it even matter if I’m a man or a woman? I’m still a person; and I am very much of the belief that men and women are completely equal and, as such, both should be treated with the most absolute of respect. So what does it matter what kind of packaging I have? That exterior shouldn't say anything about who the person inside is. I believe in this kind of shit... like really believe in it. So, again, why does this even matter to me?!
Additionally, and to switch gears slightly, I think that in a WAY lot of ways women have it worse off than guys. Sure, there are some sucky things about being a guy, but there’s a bunch of shitty things about being a girl. Giving up your sense of safety in unfamiliar environments (and sometimes familiar ones) is just a start, and it beats ALL of the bad things about being a guy hands DOWN (or, at least, that's how I tend to feel about it).
So, considering all that I said above, and taking into account that these are actually my legitimate feelings on the aforementioned topics, why then would I even WANT to be a girl?
Well, I kind of answered that in an earlier post – either I just AM a girl and this is me just trying to return to a kind of an emotional stasis with things… or… I’m crazy.
Let’s work on the premise that I’m not crazy. It may be a stretch, but humor me. : )
If I’m not crazy:
I still see being a girl as being tougher than being a guy, AND I feel that the sexes shouldn’t be treated with any lesser degree of respect. If someone else is a man or a woman, in a lot of ways it doesn’t matter to me on any level (especially so because I don't date, and if I did, I'm not sure it would matter what sex I was dating, just so long as I liked the person... but this is WAY off topic).
Men and women, in my eyes, are simply two different sets of people and neither is better than the other. Both are good. Both are great, in fact. So, all of this being said, why should it matter if I'm a man or woman? Is the masculine or the feminine (or some combination of them both) really infused into us in such a manner? Does it really govern us that much?
Well, I guess so. How could I, of all people, say that it doesn’t?
I’m not sure I like that about the universe, then. Though I could rationalize a bit and say that it is this way because it’s instinctual – it is necessary, or humans wouldn’t have propagated. All of this is SO instinctually ingrained in a person, because there's millennia of survival that wouldn't have happened if these things weren't this way (though I don't know that any of that would necessarily be true, I could still totally argue the point).
But when it comes to me and people like me, propagation has nothing to do with it, because it’s not like I can go through this to give birth. So, AGAIN, why does it matter if I am male or female? It’s highly unlikely that I will actually reproduce in any way, so, “universally” speaking, why make people go through this? Why make them endure this amount of nonsense? It’s stupid. It makes no sense on ANY level... and I am still going through it. I'm still going through all the ups and downs that come along with it. I'm still dealing with copious amounts of shit because of it. And I can't find any kind of logical reason why I should be doing this... I just know that I can't NOT do this.
And that is why I get pissed at the universe from time to time.
That’s not a good way to be. I have to find a way to correct this.
More to come on this topic.
All the best.
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