Most people hear the word “transsexual” and images flash through their minds. Unfortunately, many of these images are of the Not Good variety, and I also think that an egregious amount of Jerry Springer may be smattered all over said images. As I said… Not Good.
Now I have nothing against Jerry Springer and his ilk per se, but I can’t help, being who I am, to be slightly put off by such shows. I have an old memory from in and around high school days of watching some afternoon talk show, like Richard Bey or someone WAY over the top like that, who happened to have some transwoman on the show that day. Though I didn't often watch programs like these, I made it a point to watch that particular show because it dealt with a topic near and dear to me (though at the time, I didn’t quite know how near and dear it really was).
As shocking as this may be, the show wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Let’s just say that there was not an enlightened discussion of transsexualism featuring a panel of well-educated people discussing the validity of these feelings, the lifestyle, and the problems and concerns transsexuals had in coping with their issues and living in the world. Though I honestly can't say that I was looking for that out of Richard Bey's show, but anyway...
What WAS on the show was this transwoman telling her current lover that she “used to be a man”… on national TV (I believe it was national anyway, or syndicated nationally, or whatev). The information that she shared, as one might expect, did not go over so well. After the lover’s shock wore off, they didn’t sit down and discuss this news, what it meant to their relationship, or even just what it meant at all. What did happen, was that they strapped this transwoman to a giant wheel – picture something like the “Wheel of Fortune” wheel – and then, of course, they spun her. Seriously. They spun her on a wheel. Oh, but wait… it gets better. While spinning, she then started to get pelted with what I remember to be oatmeal (though it may have been pudding now that I think about it). Yes, a trenchant and insightful discussion of the topic at hand indeed!
Unfortunately for me and other transsexuals, when some people hear the word “transsexual” they get a wonderful image like the one I just described above. Someone gets ambushed on a talk show, only to find out that the woman they’ve been sleeping with has had a sex change. We then become seen as clandestine shysters, who are out only to prey on unsuspecting men (and women, as the case may be). This, as I know firsthand, is a wildly accurate portrayal of a transsexual. I mean, if you could see us all right now, that’s all we are thinking about as we devilishly tap the tips of our fingers together and plot… you know, because we do an awful amount of plotting to do stuff like this. And just so you're forewarned, we also eat babies and choke newborn kittens. UGH! Please.
This notion of fiendish sex-plotting is wrong on so many levels, and to fully address it I would need at least another post or two. However, I will just pause to say that many people going through transitioning (people like myself for instance) have actually become asexual, as in we don’t look to have sex in any way. For me, personally speaking, I can say that I don’t really seek anything romantic with anyone, because if I did seek out any sort of romantic encounter, it would eventually come around to having sex of some sort, and to be honest, I really don’t like what’s going on with the lower half of my body right now. So, the thought of someone touching me in such a manner is actually sort of very ew to me for the time being.
Suffice it to say, going through this is not about sex (or who one is attracted to) in any way. This is by no means sexually gratifying, and in actuality, it’s essentially the complete opposite of that, as sex is something that hasn’t been on my radar in quite some time, and my sex drive has drastically waned from the blocking of testosterone and introduction of estrogen into my system. Yes, testosterone does indeed propel the sex drive. I can attest to that, as mine is about nil.
So, hopefully all of this allays some of the fear that’s out there surrounding people like myself. We’re not out to trick or dupe anyone into anything. There may be those among us who may look to dupe or trick, just as there is with people in general; but as a whole, we’re just like any other group of people… we just happen to get a lot of bad press. The bad press comes from the fact that we’re different, not a lot of people know a transsexual, and people who are not transsexuals have a tough time understanding what a transsexual is going through, because it is such a foreign notion to the wider population. Additionally, we are a very small minority, and as such, we don’t often have the big guns to help protect us and our image in the world.
To add to the joy and the fun, if people don’t think of the "talk show tranny", they move on to the wonderful (and pornography-crafted) moniker of “she-male”, or the ever so lovely “chick with a dick”. This whole view, again, is centered all around sex, but this time it’s an actual industry – though one that more often than not is thought of as “sick” and “perverse”. Transsexual porn is something that not a lot of people freely admit to being into, though there are enough people out there who like it that there's a market for it. Oh, and transsexual prostitutes… yeah, they will find work. People do frequent them, otherwise they wouldn’t be around. You don't often hear people speak of that either.
Personally (and this may be a bit biased), while I don’t particularly like the over-sexed idea of the transsexual (as pretty much ALL of the transsexuals I have ever met are not this way at ALL), I don’t see what the problem is when it comes to what gets someone off. If someone finds the idea of someone who looks like a girl yet still has a penis attractive, should anyone even care? People do, however, because it falls into this afraid-to-be-gay area that many people still seem to vehemently rail against. Even the whole “you’ve been sleeping with someone who used to be a guy” motif falls into this "I am SO not gay, and I'll punch you if you say I am" type thing. People become SO upset by it, that they flip out, lash the person to a big, spinning wheel, and then proceed to pelt them with mushy oatmeal… or they sleep with the person, find out what they have gone through, and they actually kill the person because they are THAT upset about the idea... but, you know, six of one, a half dozen of the other.
For all of these reasons and perceptions, I would like to declare a moratorium on the word “transsexual”. It just has way too many negative connotations associated with it. Additionally, being someone who has worked in marketing for a significant portion of my adult life, I would like to “re-brand” the entire idea. I would like to present it for what it is – people just like everyone else, who are trying their best to deal with feelings and a situation they did nothing to create, which happens to be causing them an over-abundance of pain and strife, much of which is caused by societal intolerance, misconception, and misrepresentation.
If you look at the definition that I just laid down, you can gather a lot from it. For instance, most transpeople are resilient folks. They keep taking the punches that life hurls at them, and many of them keep getting up and moving on, no matter how many times they've been knocked down. I find that to be pretty damn admirable in and of itself… but wait, there’s more!
Transpeople can be supremely accommodating and flexible… naturally. We generally have a good sense of humor, because if you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness of this situation (and yourself) you won’t last long with all of these feelings rampaging throughout your gray matter.
What’s more, transpeople have a way of observing life and the world through a set of eyes that has kind of lived on both sides of the male/female divide. We offer a very unique perspective on things, because we have seen the world in a very unique way. By way of survival, we have to been keen observers and harness a magnificent amount of understanding. Additionally, we are the bridge between male and female. We understand what women are dealing with more than any man ever will; and conversely, we understand what men are dealing with more than any woman ever will. We exist in this region of human existence that dwells between the points of Male and Female*, and to that end, we have something highly unique to offer the world.
The problem is: with things in their current state, we will never be seen as I’m describing above, and I think that the word “transsexual” is a part of the problem. It carries way too much baggage.
So… I suggest we totally and completely become known simply as trans. Trans is sleek. Trans is catchy. Trans is very now. Okay, now I’m getting a bit too wrapped up in marketing-speak.
For anyone who doesn't know, trans is a prefix that means “across or through”. So, transsexuality is "across sexuality", i.e. something that is not defined by the current description of the “male or female” idea of sexuality. It goes across and/or breaks clean through that barrier. It is the bridge over the gulf.
Now some may find it best to not play a rousing game of Curious George and the Mysterious, Unattended Apiary when it comes to crossing these barriers and exploring these new avenues; but I say why not? Why not explore what’s out there? Why not see that there are many things that go on in this existence that, while strange, are also fascinating in their uniqueness? Personally I’d rather embrace this kind of stuff, and I’d like to be as trans as possible when it comes to most things. I would like to be able to see both sides of any situation. I’d like to be able to understand things from many angles; and I’d like to experience all there is, and not confine myself by listening to erroneous societal demonizations, as I’d like to make the call for myself after exploring the options that life presents to me.
So, essentially, what I’m saying here is: get to know someone who’s trans. Appreciate them for who they are and for the uniqueness that they can offer to you and your world. Welcome their differences, but don’t forget to embrace your similarities. Transpeople ARE just like you, only they happen to be trans. Which, as I said, is sleek, catchy, and very now. :)
I hope all is well in your world.
Peace and all the best to you.
* As a side note, I don't see sexuality in any way as a binary of "male" and "female", as this notion promotes the stereotypical definitions of men and women, and no one embodies all of the stereotypes about their particular gender. Some men cry at movies, and some women LOVE sports - just to name two incredibly obvious ones. In my view, the whole male/female dynamic lies on more of a line with what's seen as stereotypically male at one end, and what's seen as stereotypically female at the other. Some people may stray close to the ends of this line, but most people fall somewhere in the middle, as they are people, and people are not stereotypes. There is nothing wrong or right about falling at any point on this line, you just kind of wind up where you should be, because that's who you are as a person. The important thing here is to embrace everyone along this line, no matter where they happen to be, because, as I said, in the end we're all just people.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I've Heard It's Painless
Let me preface this by saying the following:
I am NOT suicidal.
It’s funny, because I thought I knew what was on my mind when I got on here tonight. I was thinking about how I’m not a suicidal person, and how this being trans craziness makes someone who is not suicidal, and one who loves SO many things about life and living, consider suicide. It passes through my head from time to time, and in a somewhat-earnest fashion. Now I don’t think that I would ever do something like that (you know, barring extreme circumstances like a debilitating and fatal illness, or sacrificing myself to save the Earth from being struck by an asteroid or something else utterly plausible like that). Being trans, however, makes you consider suicide as a truly viable option. Oh how awesome this all is! I always wanted to throw the option of suicide into the mix under the heading What You Should Consider Doing with Your Life.
The numbers of transpeople who kill themselves are staggering. Various sources have it in and around 30%*. So, 3 in 10 transpeople WILL kill themselves. These are the numbers, and this is without bringing in the number of transpeople who have tried to kill themselves. If you think about it in terms of the scope of everyone you know, and think that 3 in 10 will commit suicide, it seems absolutely ludicrous.
The reason for these numbers is that (and this is coming from a person who is non-suicidal by nature) you look at this daunting mountain that’s in front of you that you’re forced to climb, and it’s SO intimidating that you think about shoving the pointy end of a bottle of Drain-o into your mouth. Oh, and if you choose to actually climb this mountain, suicidal bliss will tantalize you along the way with thoughts such as: whatever I do, no matter how much I do and how much I fight to be me, it’s never going to make a difference; or there’s I’m never going to be what I want to be or be seen how I really am; and then there’s I’m causing all this strife in hopes of achieving a goal that can never really be reached, so what’s the fucking point?
Then, after these thoughts hit you, you consider that not only will you never again fit in with society-at-large, but you always have to worry about people finding out and reacting negatively to it. When you meet anyone new, you have to consider when would be the right time to tell them (if they don’t already know by your appearance that is). Your hopes for dating become slimmer, and the idea of having the “typical family life” is reduced to about nil. You have to worry about where you go, who you’re going with, what kind of people will be there, etc., etc. And if you’re not the worrying type, you at LEAST have to be somewhat concerned about it. If you’re not, you either raise absolutely zero eyebrows, or you’re just fantastically oblivious. Unfortunately, I’m neither of these things, as most people aren’t.
I’m not saying that by going through this all of these things are destined to come about, but they are thoughts that generally assail me on a pretty regular basis. So there’s all of these happy thoughts, and that’s without taking into account the one BIG happy thought that constantly bounces through your head – I don’t feel right in this body or in my life… in ANY way. This one is almost a constant. I feel it at pretty much every moment. It’s like a constant twisting pain in your brain. This feeling by itself is the exact opposite of fun. When you throw all the other thoughts in as well, it can get just a smidge overwhelming from time to time.
And so, due to the factors described above, suicide becomes a legitimately considered choice, like, “Do I try to climb this seemingly-insurmountable mountain of problems and issues, OR do I just make it way easier on myself and swallow a bullet? Hmmm. Just what WOULD be better?”
If you think I’m exaggerating about this you can ask the 30% of people who are like me, yet not here. It’s not a coincidence that the numbers are that high. As I said, I’VE considered it, seriously considered it, and I am not in any way a suicidal person. For me to get to this point is essentially blowing my mind to pieces. I’m shocked that I have. It is COMPLETELY not in my nature.
Being this way, however, living life the way I do (i.e. repeatedly being backed into corner after corner by this issue), just erodes any bit of mental energy you have. It’s fantastically hard to focus enough to make a good go at being successful with work, or things of that nature. I’m not saying that it can’t be done, but you’re trying so hard every day just to see some positive (especially tough when you’re living alone and you subsist in this sort of enclave of human absence), that it gets to be near-impossible to do anything but stave off all the wolves that are already at your psychic gates, because if you don’t do that, you’ll just go hurtling down into this morass of self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-destruction. Good times, all.
I’ve been thinking more and more about how I was when I was a kid, and let me tell you, I was a gooooooooood kid. I wanted everything to fall inside the parameters of the rules, and I obeyed them absolutely as well as I could. You get older, and naturally you start realizing that you can get away with stuff, and that there are many, many rules that are just out and out stupid. So, you generally start adhering to the rules in a more relaxed fashion after those realizations are made.
Even still, I believe in, and by large part act on, a certain code of rules for myself, which is pretty much conveyed by the phrase “try your best to not have a negative impact on anyone else's day”. The problem with this code is that you constantly have to get lost in your interactions a little more than you’re normally used to. You have to dwell on them, and almost over-analyze them, and I’m not sure that anybody has that kind of time.
Then there’s me.
I have that kind of time.
Being at the age that I’m at, most of my friends are in the early stages of parenthood, or they are coupled off in a very serious and domestic fashion. So, that being said, I often don’t have people to do things with. I spend an awful amount of time alone, and when alone, I tend to dwell in and on things; and yes, I almost over-analyze them as well. I indeed have that “luxury”, since I have nothing else more valuable and important to occupy the larger chunks of my time, especially if you take work out of the equation.
Now, I do believe there’s a limit to how far you should go in trying not to be a negative force in someone else's day. You shouldn’t become a doormat, though you should be willing to smile and/or turn the other cheek from time to time. One shouldn’t put themselves in any great peril, or distress, or anything like that. More times than not, all you have to do is be somewhat considerate and use common courtesy. When you do these things, you’re rarely going to have a negative impact on any of the people you happen to bump into during your day, all of whom have no palpable connection to you other than you are both people, and you happened to be in the same place at the same time.
The way I see it, you can make your experience with these people pleasant, even if they may not remember it; or you can make it one that may annoy them, or bother them after the fact, and then they could act on those feelings and cause this bad cascade effect throughout their day, which you would then be the impetus behind. You could be the beginning of this wave of The Bad, all because you needed to tailgate someone, or you felt obligated to get all snarky with the kid in the convenience store, or you just had to fuck with that drifter behind the abandoned train car.
And I’m not saying that you should kowtow to other people’s wishes all the time. I’m saying just to take people into account a little more than you normally would. Just try to NOT be a negative impact on their day in any way that’s under your control. You don’t even have to try to be a positive impact, just try not to be a negative one. That’s it. That’s what I believe in. (Though I do try on most occasions to have more of a positive effect than just a neutral one... but I digress.)
If more people acted in the fashion I’m advocating, I’m quite sure that a lower number than 3 in 10 would be found in trans suicide rates (not to mention that there’d be much less anger and bitterness in general in the world). As of now, however, 3 in 10 is the number.
I got on here tonight with all of this stuff in mind, but after I wrote “I am NOT suicidal” at the beginning of this post, I got sidetracked and had to think about if that was indeed the truth. It is… I think. I am pretty sure that I am not suicidal. I actually had to think about it to see if I was, though. That is where I lie on the scale at this point in time.
All the best to you and yours.
* By the by, the national suicide rate in the U.S. as a whole is .01%, according to the National Institute of Mental Health’s Web site. After about ten minutes of looking, I still couldn’t find the rate for transpeople on the NIMH site, nor a hint of these numbers.
I am NOT suicidal.
It’s funny, because I thought I knew what was on my mind when I got on here tonight. I was thinking about how I’m not a suicidal person, and how this being trans craziness makes someone who is not suicidal, and one who loves SO many things about life and living, consider suicide. It passes through my head from time to time, and in a somewhat-earnest fashion. Now I don’t think that I would ever do something like that (you know, barring extreme circumstances like a debilitating and fatal illness, or sacrificing myself to save the Earth from being struck by an asteroid or something else utterly plausible like that). Being trans, however, makes you consider suicide as a truly viable option. Oh how awesome this all is! I always wanted to throw the option of suicide into the mix under the heading What You Should Consider Doing with Your Life.
The numbers of transpeople who kill themselves are staggering. Various sources have it in and around 30%*. So, 3 in 10 transpeople WILL kill themselves. These are the numbers, and this is without bringing in the number of transpeople who have tried to kill themselves. If you think about it in terms of the scope of everyone you know, and think that 3 in 10 will commit suicide, it seems absolutely ludicrous.
The reason for these numbers is that (and this is coming from a person who is non-suicidal by nature) you look at this daunting mountain that’s in front of you that you’re forced to climb, and it’s SO intimidating that you think about shoving the pointy end of a bottle of Drain-o into your mouth. Oh, and if you choose to actually climb this mountain, suicidal bliss will tantalize you along the way with thoughts such as: whatever I do, no matter how much I do and how much I fight to be me, it’s never going to make a difference; or there’s I’m never going to be what I want to be or be seen how I really am; and then there’s I’m causing all this strife in hopes of achieving a goal that can never really be reached, so what’s the fucking point?
Then, after these thoughts hit you, you consider that not only will you never again fit in with society-at-large, but you always have to worry about people finding out and reacting negatively to it. When you meet anyone new, you have to consider when would be the right time to tell them (if they don’t already know by your appearance that is). Your hopes for dating become slimmer, and the idea of having the “typical family life” is reduced to about nil. You have to worry about where you go, who you’re going with, what kind of people will be there, etc., etc. And if you’re not the worrying type, you at LEAST have to be somewhat concerned about it. If you’re not, you either raise absolutely zero eyebrows, or you’re just fantastically oblivious. Unfortunately, I’m neither of these things, as most people aren’t.
I’m not saying that by going through this all of these things are destined to come about, but they are thoughts that generally assail me on a pretty regular basis. So there’s all of these happy thoughts, and that’s without taking into account the one BIG happy thought that constantly bounces through your head – I don’t feel right in this body or in my life… in ANY way. This one is almost a constant. I feel it at pretty much every moment. It’s like a constant twisting pain in your brain. This feeling by itself is the exact opposite of fun. When you throw all the other thoughts in as well, it can get just a smidge overwhelming from time to time.
And so, due to the factors described above, suicide becomes a legitimately considered choice, like, “Do I try to climb this seemingly-insurmountable mountain of problems and issues, OR do I just make it way easier on myself and swallow a bullet? Hmmm. Just what WOULD be better?”
If you think I’m exaggerating about this you can ask the 30% of people who are like me, yet not here. It’s not a coincidence that the numbers are that high. As I said, I’VE considered it, seriously considered it, and I am not in any way a suicidal person. For me to get to this point is essentially blowing my mind to pieces. I’m shocked that I have. It is COMPLETELY not in my nature.
Being this way, however, living life the way I do (i.e. repeatedly being backed into corner after corner by this issue), just erodes any bit of mental energy you have. It’s fantastically hard to focus enough to make a good go at being successful with work, or things of that nature. I’m not saying that it can’t be done, but you’re trying so hard every day just to see some positive (especially tough when you’re living alone and you subsist in this sort of enclave of human absence), that it gets to be near-impossible to do anything but stave off all the wolves that are already at your psychic gates, because if you don’t do that, you’ll just go hurtling down into this morass of self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-destruction. Good times, all.
I’ve been thinking more and more about how I was when I was a kid, and let me tell you, I was a gooooooooood kid. I wanted everything to fall inside the parameters of the rules, and I obeyed them absolutely as well as I could. You get older, and naturally you start realizing that you can get away with stuff, and that there are many, many rules that are just out and out stupid. So, you generally start adhering to the rules in a more relaxed fashion after those realizations are made.
Even still, I believe in, and by large part act on, a certain code of rules for myself, which is pretty much conveyed by the phrase “try your best to not have a negative impact on anyone else's day”. The problem with this code is that you constantly have to get lost in your interactions a little more than you’re normally used to. You have to dwell on them, and almost over-analyze them, and I’m not sure that anybody has that kind of time.
Then there’s me.
I have that kind of time.
Being at the age that I’m at, most of my friends are in the early stages of parenthood, or they are coupled off in a very serious and domestic fashion. So, that being said, I often don’t have people to do things with. I spend an awful amount of time alone, and when alone, I tend to dwell in and on things; and yes, I almost over-analyze them as well. I indeed have that “luxury”, since I have nothing else more valuable and important to occupy the larger chunks of my time, especially if you take work out of the equation.
Now, I do believe there’s a limit to how far you should go in trying not to be a negative force in someone else's day. You shouldn’t become a doormat, though you should be willing to smile and/or turn the other cheek from time to time. One shouldn’t put themselves in any great peril, or distress, or anything like that. More times than not, all you have to do is be somewhat considerate and use common courtesy. When you do these things, you’re rarely going to have a negative impact on any of the people you happen to bump into during your day, all of whom have no palpable connection to you other than you are both people, and you happened to be in the same place at the same time.
The way I see it, you can make your experience with these people pleasant, even if they may not remember it; or you can make it one that may annoy them, or bother them after the fact, and then they could act on those feelings and cause this bad cascade effect throughout their day, which you would then be the impetus behind. You could be the beginning of this wave of The Bad, all because you needed to tailgate someone, or you felt obligated to get all snarky with the kid in the convenience store, or you just had to fuck with that drifter behind the abandoned train car.
And I’m not saying that you should kowtow to other people’s wishes all the time. I’m saying just to take people into account a little more than you normally would. Just try to NOT be a negative impact on their day in any way that’s under your control. You don’t even have to try to be a positive impact, just try not to be a negative one. That’s it. That’s what I believe in. (Though I do try on most occasions to have more of a positive effect than just a neutral one... but I digress.)
If more people acted in the fashion I’m advocating, I’m quite sure that a lower number than 3 in 10 would be found in trans suicide rates (not to mention that there’d be much less anger and bitterness in general in the world). As of now, however, 3 in 10 is the number.
I got on here tonight with all of this stuff in mind, but after I wrote “I am NOT suicidal” at the beginning of this post, I got sidetracked and had to think about if that was indeed the truth. It is… I think. I am pretty sure that I am not suicidal. I actually had to think about it to see if I was, though. That is where I lie on the scale at this point in time.
All the best to you and yours.
* By the by, the national suicide rate in the U.S. as a whole is .01%, according to the National Institute of Mental Health’s Web site. After about ten minutes of looking, I still couldn’t find the rate for transpeople on the NIMH site, nor a hint of these numbers.
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