Facing Forward

I have huge news. Really, really huge news. I've been trying to come up with something to say about it for the past month, but the right words elude me and don't want to come out. I can't seem to write about it because there is just too much. But here I am, and I'm going to give it a shot.


The path life takes you on sometimes is a strange one. You feel compelled by forces seemingly beyond your control to do things you never thought you’d do. You take irreversible steps in your life because the universe drives you in that direction. We’re all being pushed and pulled upon by these unseen energies that act on us every day.

This past December I had bottom surgery. It’s the biggest decision and leap of faith I’ve ever made in my life. While ultimately it has been AMAZING for me, my psyche, and my soul, it hasn’t come easy after. There is just a PROFOUND amount to process with it, and I’m still doing so some eight months later. There are times where I feel astoundingly happy and at ease… and at peace. And then there are times where the world comes at me and places me back into the box I appear to be in to those who can't see ME, and it hurts even more than it did before because physically I am different.

But I’m also the size of an NFL lineman, and I’m big for a human being, let alone a woman. So people are going to see me the way they do no matter what I wear. Even if I hung a sign on me in all caps screaming at people “I AM FEMALE” they wouldn’t see me that way, and then, because some of our society is oh so loving and accepting, the comments and the ridicule would begin because I look like the stereotypical “man in a dress”. It’s ever so fun.

So, to correct this, and since I can’t change my size (though I can lose weight, which I am fighting through the process of), the only other outward thing I can do at this time is to have my face changed. To have my face feminized. It’s a common thing among transwomen who can afford it (though, by all means, not every one of us goes through this, nor should anyone ever ever have to). I feel like I have to, though. I feel like I have to try it. I feel like I have to do everything I can to present myself to the world as the person I know myself to be. This is my personal need in my personal journey.

And so, coming this fall to an operating room in Boston, I’m going to be having facial surgery. By this winter, I’ll have a new face.

It’s beyond crazy to think about.

"Facial feminization surgery" or "FFS" are the monikers for it. Essentially, it's a series of procedures designed to make my face look, as my surgeon put it, "unquestionably female." It's incredible what can be done today.

What's going to happen when I go under the knife is my forehead will be resculpted and my hairline lowered just a bit. My jawline and chin will also be recontoured, and my Adam's apple will be shaved down to something that is, hopefully, unnoticeable.

I'm doing all this in hopes that, in spite of my size and any other "male" characteristic I may possess, that people will somehow see ME, or as close to how I perceive me as the available science and my financial situation will permit. And while there are aspects of my face that I do like, there is so much about it that I, quite adamantly, detest. It sounds awful to say such things about yourself, but it’s just the way it is, and it’s what this “being trans” condition makes me feel.

I'm doing this because every time I look in the mirror, it hurts... it literally hurts... because my face is not the face of who I truly am. My face is of someone else... someone who I used to be... or, more accurately... someone who I used to fill the role of because I thought there was no other recourse.

What's to come is scary, and trippy, and exciting beyond words. I mean, in a little over a month and a half I'm going to have a new face looking back at me in the mirror. After this is over, my life is instantly going to change, and I have no idea to what degree. How the world sees me WILL change… something that did not happen at all after bottom surgery. It’s staggering to think about.

After this surgery... from that point forward... I will literally be showing a new face to the world. There will be no masking of things. No clothes covering and hiding. This face… this new, more feminine face… will be what I present to the world from now on. It's going to be out there, and it will be exposed for all to see. How fucking mind-warping is that?

Part of me thinks I'm not ready for this, and part of me thinks this should have happened many years ago… but I don't want to dwell on the regret that is birthed from the passing of time. I want to concentrate on what's to come. I want to be hopeful that this will be a massively grand and amazing step in my crusade to present my best self to the world, and, more importantly, that it will allow me to feel more at ease in my own skin and heighten my internal peace. 

If it has the same kind of impact as my last surgery, and I'm STILL realizing and processing all the good I've gained from it, this next surgery is going to be well worth the pain, and the trouble, and the ridiculous amount of money that it's costing me, even with taking out a loan to pay for half of it because not one cent of it is covered by insurance.

But this is where my life and my soul has brought me to. My last surgery pushed me all in, so now I have to play my hand to the best of my capabilities. In this instance, it means being bold and brave and letting who I am at my core guide my actions, even if that means having a new face and entirely new interactions with the world come November. And even if it means having two incredibly life-transforming surgeries in less than a year. 

I spent over a decade mired in a type of stagnation. Now I'm caught in an avalanche of forward movement, momentum, and progress. I'm terrified and I'm exhilarated. There is a GIGANTIC unknown waiting for me on the other side of this surgery, and all I can do is hope I made the right decisions and chose the right doctor. 

Outside of surgical complications, my biggest fear is that I go through the pain and expense of this and nothing is different and everyone says, "You look exactly the same!" On the other hand, my mind races with thoughts that my face may look so feminine that people will start "miss" and "ma'am"ing me, and I strangely question how I'll even handle that. Most people I bring this up to, however, all tend to say the same thing—"You're more than ready for that to happen!"

Well, if that's the case, then let's make it so! Let's do all I can to make myself as happy and at peace as I can be, and I'm hoping everyone else is doing the same bold, terrifying, and wonderful things in their own lives.

This journey I’ve been on, while insanely difficult, has certainly been different and has certainly been interesting, and for the first time ever I’m starting to appreciate it rather than being only pain-ridden and distraught from it. It’s funny how when things start happening and your life REALLY quickens that things get more enjoyable. And as scary as what awaits me is, my life and my transition are becoming both fascinating and, dare I say, kind of fun for once. Let’s see if it gets even more so when I’m wearing my new face.


The absolute best to you all. Always.