Choosing the Right Battles

I’ve been seeing stories about how Neil Patrick Harris used the word “tranny” on Kelly Ripa’s morning talk show the other day, and then, to his credit, quickly apologized for doing so. If you’re not familiar, a lot of people in the trans community feel like the word “tranny” is an extremely hurtful slur, so much so in fact, that I recently saw it referred to on a LGBT-friendly website as “the t-word.” Personally, I think that this is a bit much.

Speaking solely from my own feelings and opinions on it (which I would think have some validity, since I am indeed trans), I never found this word to be particularly hurtful. I don’t prefer this word, but if someone says it to me with genuine affection, I just kind of see it as a variation on the words trans, transgender, transsexual, etc.; and I’ve even actually used it once or twice to describe myself to people. HOWEVER, if this word, like pretty much any word, is hurled at me on a spear of derision, my take on the word tends to change, which I think would be an obvious reaction.

As far as ways to describe people like myself, this one is about the least offensive to me. Terms like “she-male,” “chick with a dick,” “it,” “he/she,” or even good ol’ fashioned “faggot” (yes, we get hit with this one too) are FAR worse.

What does grind my gears here, is saying stuff like “I sound like a tranny” or “You look like a tranny.” I find statements such as these to be highly offensive, not because of the word “tranny,” but because the majority of trans people find both their appearance and their voice to be points of extreme pain in their daily lives. To poke fun at that is just kind of mean and callous towards us. And on top of that, just what does a tranny look like… or sound like for that matter? At the most recent trans group I went to, there were no two trans folks in the room that looked or sounded in any way the same. To lump us together in that fashion is insanely more dehumanizing than using the word “tranny.”

Additionally, there’s just horrible depictions of us all throughout the media. Even on NPH’s show How I Met Your Mother (which I really do like and is actually extremely gay friendly) there have been a few instances where they made trans people the brunt of their jokes in ways that ONLY hurt. In one episode, for example, the main character, Ted, is trying to figure out why his friends despise the new girl he’s dating, to which we get a flash of him imagining various reasons that may have caused them to be so averse to her.

The first is him imagining this girl saying that when she was in 10^th grade she told everyone that her English teacher had sex with her and he’s still in jail because of it. The second vision Ted has is this girl saying she volunteers at the pound where she kills unwanted puppies... and gets a rush from it. The last reason Ted imagines for the gang wanting him to immediately break up with her is because she says that she used to have a penis.

So, you know, being a trans woman would not only be immediate grounds for all of your friends screaming for you to break up with her, but it’s also on the level of killing puppies for pleasure and lying about a teacher having sex with high school students and getting him put in prison for years and years. Yeah, all of this is way, way, WAY more offensive than someone saying the word “tranny.”

Even in the clip with NPH, it’s not that he says the word tranny, it’s that he says that he sounds like a tranny. And… AND he quotes the killer from Silence of the Lambs, who singlehandedly makes me detest that movie. I’m certain this film has made a ton of people think of the creepy scene where the killer is “tucking” himself in front of the camera and saying “I’d fuck me” whenever they hear the word “tranny.”

Now, I do get that the movie is not saying that all trans people are horrible serial killers, and they even say that Buffalo Bill was denied cross-sex treatment because he wasn’t actually trans, but the fact that NPH quotes this character, then says he sounds like a tranny, proves that people do actually see this character as trans. Maybe I'm overstating this a bit, but personally I think the tucking scene has set trans people back a good decade or so when it comes to public perception.

The point to all this being, some trans advocates may be getting their feathers a bit too ruffled when someone says the word “tranny,” ESPECIALLY when there are FAR more hurtful descriptions and depictions of trans people out there. It doesn't make sense to be upset about everything, because pretty much everyone will stop listening to our valid complaints. So what should we be more upset and speak out about? I say we should rail against negative portrayals and stereotypes of trans people, rather than getting all bristly when someone utters a variance of the word transgender.

Just my two cents.

All the best to you.

Sickening Sounds

When I was younger, long before I was truly aware of what was going on with me and Overcompensation was my normal mode of life, I was told that I had a good speaking voice. It was deep, and loud, and clear, and attention grabbing. In fact, a friend of mine once told me an idea he had for a radio program and how he wanted me to be the announcer because I had a great voice for it. Yeah, mine was a nice sounding voice... but it was also very male sounding.

As time went on, and I became more fully aware of the lurking issue that was about to completely devour me, I not only came to hate everything about how I looked, but I really started to loathe my voice as well. So I worked at it and worked at it, and after all of the time and effort I put in to make it sound more feminine, I can only sound half decent on the best of my better days. More times than not, any sound waves that emanate from my head generally make me wanna retch, both violently and copiously.

The really fun part of this is that it’s not just limited to speaking. Whenever I cough, sneeze, laugh, cry, or jettison any other sound from my skull, I die a little inside. This problem is woefully exacerbated when I have a cold, or allergies are acting up, or I have a couple drinks and get The Stuffed Up Drinker's Nose. When any of these things are in play, I basically just don’t like to speak, and this reticence is even greater when I'm around others. 

Being that when I entered 2011 it was already going to be a cloistered year for me, this trifling little issue with my voice made it even more so. I didn’t want to go anywhere, because that would mean that I’d have to be social. Not that I have any issues with being social… I actually ENJOY being social. But in being social, I would have to talk to people, and when one talks to people, they generally use their voice. This is not something I wanted to do in any way.

The searing pain that my physical appearance bestows upon me grows exponentially and gets worse with each passing day. Lump the whole hating-how-I-sound thing into the conversation and it's no wonder that I've been magnificently anti-social over the past year. At times it's a real trial to even face people in the workplace, and I've spent a large majority of my "vacation" time this year, not taking any kind of real vacation, but using most of my 20 days off to call out of work and talk myself down from various ledges.

This is what it's like. This is what it feels like at all times. It's nasty, and relentless, and it's always tearing at you. It's also only getting worse. Thankfully I find ways to cope. I'm not exactly sure how. I guess after a while you just get used to dealing with a certain amount of pain when it's with you every day.

All that being said, please know that I'm fighting to get past this and I'm forcing myself to be more social than I have been... but it's been very difficult. I really just wish this insanity would stop.

Much love to you all.