What follows is an entry I wrote in my "diary" (for lack of a better term) this evening.I found it to be pertinent. The only thing I changed from the actual text in my diary is the use of a friend's name. I'm kinda squirrelly about just how open I should be on the webbernetz about exposing my life, as in I'm sharing stuff verbatim right out of my diary. But, like I said, I found it to be pertinent. So... um... enjoy!! :P
While sitting here earlier this evening, I kind of arrived at a few conclusions.
The first, while it’s immediate, is that the song “VCR”* is just fucking FAN TASTIC.
After that, well, it seems that I really have a lot of conflict to resolve.. you know, on the internal level. Well, I guess on the external as well.
You see, it’s been years, and years, and years, and years that I’ve just wished upon wishing to be a girl. Just so much time and energy, hope and praying, and all that gushy, gushy stuff devoted to this idea… this notion. Why is it that I can’t seem to just be living this way?
Well, I think it’s obvious that I just don’t look the part. I guess this really is all about resolving the interior with the exterior. I say that because I can see myself. I can see my breasts… and make no mistake, they are breasts… I can see my skin, and just how I look overall. My size is the only thing keeping me from people seeing me as a woman… and I really feel this to be the case.
The fact of the matter is, I don’t know that there’s anything I can really do to offset this size thing. A friend of mine, who pissed me off at the time, was actually right in the fact that she told me that I had to “get over it”. I guess I do. It’s either that, or just kind of do nothing and live in fear (which has been established as just a horrible idea), die,... or get over it.
Don’t really wanna die right now. I’m looking for reasons to live. I’m looking for a reason to be here. I’m looking for someone to help. For a life to share. For everything that makes this existence true. And real.
So, since I don’t want to die, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to give into fear. I guess I’m gonna have to do something. Not real sure what that is at the moment, but I know… I KNOW… that this involves momentum and movement. It’s like making the energy that surrounds your life kinetic. It’s forcing things to happen when they should. It’s doing what you need to do to achieve these things. It is what you’re here for. It’s what you NEED to do.
And the fact of the matter is, I don’t want to do this because I’m lazy. I can’t be bothered enough to do things about this. I can’t be bothered to do what I need to do to get myself comfortable enough with myself to be comfortable in the world. And I can't get comfortable because even I look at myself, with breasts, and shiny-soft skin, and just everything that goes along with being on hormones for five years, and I STILL see nothing but a guy staring back at me. I can feel very much like me when I’m lying here alone, but when I look in the mirror, everything feels like lies.
And a big part of this bullshit is that fact that I can’t just accept the moniker of “woman”. I have no idea what that’s about. I’m sure it’s also fear-based, but part of it is that maybe this doesn’t feel right either. Well, not that exactly. Just everything feels foreign. Everything is strange. I’m not used to this yet, and I feel REALLY fucking awkward. Maybe these are just my neo-teenage years that I often hear transpeeps refer to (though maybe not in that exact term).
I mean, I just don’t know how to be a girl. OR, should I say that I don’t know how to be who I am. I’ve been hiding that person for so long. I’ve been hiding her for so long.
And referring to me as “her” feels natural… like really preternaturally natural (if that makes any fucking sense)… but yet it’s like embarrassing to me. I guess I’m just not that “out” with all of this, though I have no idea what’s holding me back when I’m by myself.
I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing right now. I can’t get me to feel right. Maybe I just need to “grow into” my new skin. Maybe I need to take things for test drives. Maybe I need to do a lot of things.
That's all I gots tonight.
Be good.
* the song "VCR" is by the band The xx and, as I said, it's certainly worth a listen
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