Oh, Look...An Actual Positive Post

As those closest to me know, I've been going through a major bout of depression lately. It's a bad one. Like a really, bad, BAD one. And this is coming from someone who's gone through their fair share of depressive times. I can honestly say it's one of the worst bouts I've ever had. Ever.

BUT (as this is a positive post)... I've been feeling slightly better and better with each passing day. This is the case because I've been coming to certain realizations about life, and also remembering important things I learned in the past that I have, through the normal passage of time, since forgotten. What follows is something I remembered recently that is a helpful thing to keep in mind in the coming days:

I should preface this all by saying that the massive span of the entire stupid trans issue is at the root of this last bout of depression, which is probably rather obvious since: a) that seems to be the cause/reason for pretty much everything that decides to pop its head into my life, and b) this blog is about said entire stupid trans issue... so, you know, there's probably a reason why I'm bringing it up here. 

A major part of my depression was triggered by the fact that I've reached a point where I don't really want to deal with this anymore. This issue, which has utterly dominated everything in my life for the past 15+ years, is something that I just can't DO anymore. I can't take feeling bad every time I look at myself. I can't take the constant question of what I'm going to do next. I can't take thinking about every. single. aspect. of this situation over and over and over again every single fucking minute of every single fucking day. I can't take the fact that THAT'S how wrong I feel at ALL times, that it feels SO terribly wrong that I can't block it out anymore and just LIVE. And I certainly can't deal with the fact that the "answer" to all this is to go through hundreds of hours of treatment, grotesque amounts of surgery, and spend a shuddering amount of money to only then TRY to present myself to the world in a way that's as close as I can possibly get to how I see myself, even knowing that the wide majority of people will never see me for that AND that I will probably never feel truly "right". It's grueling. And it's an utterly horrible way to live. 

And the crispy chocolate coating on top of this sundae of joy is the fact that instead of staring at themselves in the mirror and gritting fuck...fuck... fuck through their teeth at their excruciating reflection every night, most people are busying themselves with falling in love, with getting married, with starting a family, with furthering their career... in other words... with BEING CONSTRUCTIVE AND LIVING THEIR LIVES.

And here I am, slipping further and further into middle age, still contending with these horrible feelings that consume the whole of my energy and strength, and not knowing what to do... because there really is no good option here. There just isn't. And even if I knew what to do, how do I put thought and energy into this massive undertaking when I'm basically struggling to make it from one day to the next without an utter collapse?

I feel phenomenally trapped. Trapped because this is something that I HAVE to deal with; it's not going to go away, and actually, it just gets worse every day. There is no choice here, because this is just who I am and how I was made (as a very good and astute friend keeps reminding me). So, as epically shitty as it all is, I still have to deal with it. Always. I'm trapped in this issue and trying to gnash my way through the bars doesn't seem to be working. 15 years is far too long to spend in a cage.

To... ahem... get to the positive here...

What I remembered recently that is slowly getting me past some of these feelings, is that most people are trapped only because they allow themselves to be.

There was a story a while back about a guy who sold all of his things, save the clothes on his back, and took all of his money in the world to a casino and put it ALL on one spin of the roulette wheel. And what I thought about this is that anybody could do that. Not that they would do that, but that they could do that. You really could go and do that. Now you probably wouldn't want to deal with the consequences of such a risk, but it's important to realize that you have that kind of power. You CAN do big things like this if you so desire, although you have to accept what the outcome of your actions will be.

You don’t have to be where you are, doing what you're doing. You can do whatever you want to do. You could literally quit your job tomorrow. You could leave behind your family and friends. You can run off and join a cult. Hell, you can even sell everything you own and move to China if you wanted! You could do all of these things. Really, you could.

And if you have the ability to do all of these outlandish things, there certainly has to be a way to take positive steps to change your life. Even if they're only minor, there ARE things that can be done.

Now hopefully you're living a life full of happiness, and you don't feel trapped in any way, and you don't feel like you need to break out of some sort of metaphorical cell. Hopefully. 

For those that do, you have to realize that you and you alone are in charge of what happens in your life. You CAN make decisions. Your are very rarely a victim of circumstance enough to have NO say in the direction of your life. YOU get to say where your life goes or where it doesn't go. You DO have that power.

Keeping that in mind, very few people are ever truly trapped, they're just presented with options where the outcomes are unappealing to them. In that case, you have to just learn to accept what the outcome of your breakout will be. If you can't do that, and every way out of your cell is less appealing than being in it, maybe what you consider being trapped isn't really all that bad and you should just chill the f out.

As I said, the important thing is to realize that you almost ALWAYS have options. You are never trapped. Once you know this, and ingrain it in the way you view and live your life, it gives you a certain kind of freedom and relief, and it punts a very annoying (and probably angry and diseased) monkey off your back, clearing the way for you to address more pertinent issues.

And so what I'm re-realizing is:
I am not trapped.
I have things I can do to make my life better.
I best find what they are and get hoppin'.

Be well, everyone.